Coming out of the fog

That is not to say of course, that we are getting anything that resembles adequate sleep around here yet, but we've made a lot of progress toward re-entering life outside of eating, sleeping and pooping! And I'm just starting to feel a wee bit like a normal human again.

The week before Thanksgiving week, L and I got out of the house on our own twice (aside from our daily weather permitting walks of course)! It was huge progress for me, especially given it was the first time I drove since he was born. It was nothing exciting, just a trip to the doctor for his one month appointment, and an ultrasound to check his kidney one day. The next was to attend a breast feeding support group at our hospital in hopes of breaking the shield habit, followed by my 6 week post-partum appointment. Everything looked good for me, and I was given the go ahead to resume all normal activities. I was also asked what we want to do for birth control. The obvious answer to an infertile is to laugh, and say nothing, or course. Which is what I did. But the idea of number two right now is a lot more mixed up in my head than I thought it would be, and merits another post the next time I have a few minutes with two hands free! I should say, all was fine except being a bit borderline on the post-partum depression questionnaire I was asked to fill out. It was honestly no surprise to me. Dr. S and I had a good chat and opted not to take any action yet, since I had finally started to feel like I could get out into the world, and have started to gain confidence. Not to mention the fact that Hubby and I are well versed at dealing with anxiety and depression, so I'd like to think I'll know if I really need help, but he's keeping a close eye on me as well.

That weekend, we also made it out to a family outing with Hubby's family, at his Aunt's house, where L got to meet many of his relatives, and pose for a picture with his three fellow great-grandsons on that side of the family. It was a rough day for me, just making sure he was ok, and feeling quite tired. My best naps have been occurring in the afternoon, sometime after lunch, and I have learned that it is not wise, or easy to miss them. Hubby was kind to me, and we did make it home by 4 that afternoon, so I was able to sleep before dinner.

Last week, was another busy week. On Tuesday, we had our first playdate, with my friend J (met through our Resolve peer group) and her twelve week old twins, W and V. They are adorable, and it was really fun to have them over, and have a little new mom chat in between lots of diapers, pacifiers, and feedings. Watching her constantly attending to one of the her two really gave me some insight into what it would be like to actually have twins. I'm not sure I could handle it. Seriously. Yet another factor to discuss when I manage to sort out those thoughts about number two.

We also went to visit my workplace and have lunch with some of my coworkers. L did great at his first restaurant lunch. It was well timed so he'd be hungry pretty much when we go there, and I was prepared with bottles so I didn't have to nurse. He was an angel. We also go through our first public bathroom diaper change back at my office. It was too adorable. He often hates to be changed, and screams bloody murder until it's over. I had set him up on the counter in the bathroom in front of a huge full wall mirror. Just as he arched his back and turned his head, ready to let out a wail, he came face to face with his reflection and was completely engrossed for the entire change. It was the cutest thing, and I definitely need to put up a mirror by his changing table at home!

Having a play date and a restaurant outing did wonders for my confidence. We can actually survive out of the house, and not just at the home of a relative. This week, comes our next big step, which is our Great Beginnings class at Isis parenting. It will be an adventure to get out of the house by 9 am on Thursday for the next 8 weeks, but I am very much looking forward to meeting some other new moms, and having some fun with L.

I had more in my head that I wanted to write, but I am in a sleep and food deprived fog, as I am sitting here in the lab at the hospital for my 2 hour glucose test to confirm that the GD is gone. I've been here since 7:50. I was supposed to start the test at 8, but they lost my orders and I started an hour late. Not happy about that, especially since I've essentially been up since 3:00 am. Thanks hungry boy!

So, the last few random thoughts I will leave you with are some areas on which I'm looking for advice. First of all, I'm not planning to go back to work until May. But I want to incorporate pumping for days like today when I have to leave L at home for a bit, and so that Hubby can do an occasional feeding so I can get more sleep. I'm having trouble figuring out a good routine to fit it in, especially when I miss a feeding and then have to make up for it by pumping. It becomes hard to then fit in an extra pumping to add to my stash. I'm totally paranoid that if I'm not regular enough about it, I'm going to affect my supply.

The other issue that we're starting to deal with is establishing a bedtime routine. We've been all over the place so far, mostly because he seems to eat a slightly different times from day to day. L sleeps, but if he's not in a deep, deep sleep when we put him down, he wakes, and wants to be with us. I never thought I would bring him to bed with me as much as I have ended up doing, but it happens for at least part of the night most days. I have opted in favor of more sleep for me, rather than staying up for an hour to sooth him back down so he'll stay in his crib in our room. It works for now, but I'm worried about what we're setting ourselves up for. I'd be curious to hear any similar experiences out there.

All right, that didn't entirely end up becoming the post I had planned, but as I said, I'm coming out of the fog, but it's still lingering for sure! Hoping to have more interesting things to say more frequently when I can get more sleep!

I'll leave you with a few photos from the last few weeks.

Quick Note

Luigi's one month photos have been added to my last post in case anyone is interested. I'm still getting the hang of my DSLR, so it will be interesting to see if my shots improve as the months go by.

I'm hoping for a longer post soon telling you about some of our adventures. L and I are heading out of the house for more than just a walk, just the two of us, for the second time this week! Wish us luck!

More soon.

One Month

My darling little Luigi Limoncello, you are one month old today. How time has flown. You are such a good boy. You really only cry when you're hungry or your diaper is dirty or you're gassy. On occasion you will be fussy for 20 minutes or so, which for your age is pretty darn incredible. But usually as soon as we figure out what's wrong it's like a switch was flipped and you were never upset. You can go from purple faced and screaming to pale and calm in literally one second flat.

There are so many details I want to burn into my brain so I never forget.

I love the way you used to grab the strap of my tank top when we nursed in the football hold in the first few days you were home. It felt like you were trying to hold me close. Now you tend to wrap your little arms around my breast like you're hugging it, leaning your cheek on your lower arm. Of course sometimes it takes you a while to settle down to eat and you end up punching and scratching me for a while first. I'll try not to hold this against you.

I love the little hungry grunts you make as you find my breast and figure out it's time to latch. Sometimes it almost sounds like you are saying "mmm, mmm, mmm." And when you are alert when we start, you raise your eyebrows and scrunch your forehead like you're getting down to some serious business.

I love the dramatic way you tell me you're done eating. With a gasp and a squeal, you pull yourself off and roll away from my body with a very serious and satisfied look. Your cheeks are smooshed and your face is dripping with milk. You bring your hands up to your face and then slowly stretch them above you head and you arch your back up. It is the sweetest thing. After you finish your ritual, you are often at your most alert.

You have amazing strength in your head, and I swear you could almost roll yourself over simply from the momentum you get from swinging it around. You get some good motion going from kicking your legs as well. Sometimes when we hold you up, you even support your weight for a few minutes as you stand.

In the last week or so, we have started to spend time on your activity mat. You wildly swing your arms and sometimes manage to make the toys move, though you have no idea that's what you did.

You really like white noise. We have a sleep sheep that plays a bunch of different sounds. Your favorite seems to be the whales. Someday we'll bring you on a whale watch of the coast of Boston.

Yesterday, I think you smiled. You were content, and not at all gassy, and you broke out into the biggest grin. It was the sweetest thing ever.

I love the way your butt sticks up into the air when you snuggle into my chest, with your little legs tucked under. You often curl your hand up in front of your face, and wiggle your fingers like you are playing an instrument.

Sometimes when you sleep, you squawk and grunt if someone touches you or moves you, but you usually settle right back down. If we are out for a walk and the sun hits your face, you do the same thing. I hope this doesn't mean you are a vampire.

You are starting to find your voice, and occasionally are letting out real coos instead of just grunts and squawks. I can't wait to hear how your voice develops.

We have a lot of nicknames for you so far. Leo Burrito, Leo Monster, Squirmy Wormy, Little Man, Sweet Pea, Peanut and Buddy just to name a few.

My Little Man, it's been quite an amazing month. You've already been to Friendly's, on a road trip to Granny's in NY, to visit Gramma in rehab, and to see Great Grampa Louis, aside from various doctor's appointments. You've met a good chunk of Daddy's family, as well as getting to spend a day with Uncle W when he was in town from England on business. You've suffered through countless photo shoots, and proudly wore your lion costume on your first Halloween. Yes, my Leo the Lion, your Mommy really is just that cheesy.

It's been one heck of an amazing month. I can't wait to see what your second month brings! I love you Sweet Pea!

* I plan to do some sort of monthly theme photo, but since we're still at Granny's until tomorrow, this has to wait a few days until I get back to my good camera. Stay tuned!

I wanna go home!

It's lovely being here with my mom, but I miss hubby! He finished his work a day early and I can't help but feel frustrated that I have to spend six nights away from home because he needed to be gone for two. I wish I had felt ready to handle it on my own.

But I didn't.

I wish there were more people locally I felt comfortable asking for help. I wish my mom lived closer. I wish, I wish, I wish.

The reality is that I'm fighting a cold, and it is nice to have my mom to take care of me. I'm able to get in a few more naps than I usually manage to take at home. In fact, it's about all I'm doing aside from feeding Luigi.

What frustrates me though is that I could have been home by now, nursing Luigi from the comfort of my own bedroom. Hubby was done by noon today, and could have picked me up before two to head back to Boston by dinner. Except that there's this darn nor'easter snowing and sleeting down the entire mass pike. If it were just the two of us, we would have driven in the storm. But with luigi, a giant ladder strapped to the top of the truck from the job hubby was doing, and my high levels if anxiety which currently include an extreme paranoia of car accidents, we decided I should stay put with the little man, giving hubby the chance to actually make it home before the storm. We also would have had to leave most likely before my mom got home from work. And the thought of her coming home expecting to see her grandson and not being able to kiss him goodbye made me weepy all over again.

Hubby offered to come back and get me since she's already been out to us twice in the last month and she doesn't love the drive. So, now instead of getting home on Friday, I have to wait until Saturday, when I could be home now! See, frustration!

All right, little man is done eating. Time to go back to bed! Thanks for letting me vent!

Making progress

Well we finally made it out of the house. It was a bigger adventure than I bargained for and it was a little bit frustrating but L did great job. We took him to visit grandma who is in rehab recovering from knee surgery. Hubby's brother came with us and his dad was visiting at the same time. I nursed in public with a cover and we even did a diaper change with an enormous poop With no accidents. The frustrating part was that my mother in law double booked her mother sister and cousin to visit at the same time. We rearranged our schedule so as not to overlap with them because I felt it was too chaotic. But of course when it came time for us to leave and her mother had not arrived yet she laid on the guilt that we couldn't possibly leave before her mother had a chance to see the baby. I'm pretty sure the double booking was intentional and not just a painkiller drug-induced mix up. We stayed longer than I wanted to just long enough so that great grandma got a chance to hold the baby. I did not appreciate feeling manipulated. And you can bet I will be holding my ground in the future.

The second part of our outing was to visit great grandpa Louie. It was well worth it just to see how adorable he was holding Luigi. But it made for really long day and I missed my afternoon nap and had a bit of a meltdown because of it. I was patted myself for getting out but I realized that I need to be more aware of my own needs in the future. Two separate visits in one day might be a bit much right now.

Right now I'm at my mom's in upstate New York. Hubby had to go out of town for a few nights for work and I was not ready to be by myself 24/7. He drove us out here on Sunday and Luigi did awesome in the car. He slept the whole way! Of course that meant the night was not as awesome. But we're hanging in and had a good day yesterday. My mom is bringing us home on Friday. I'm trying to relax and get as much sleep as possible away from my house and away from chores. Next week when we're back, I'm hoping to focus on establishing a bit more of a routine. It has to be possible, right? I'm also planning to attend a breast-feeding support group to learn how to get rid of the shield. Enough already! (And thanks Kerry for all the awesome breast-feeding and travel advice!)

Luigi is four weeks old today can you believe it? How time flies! I still haven't figured out how I want to handle his monthly photos. I need to come up with something quick because we need to do it this weekend! Clearly I have decided that weekly photos is way too much to handle!! But I am hoping to write a monthly post to document all the great things about Luigi. We'll see how prompt I am with that!

One last thing this entire post was written by dictating one sentence at a time on my iPhone. It might not sound like my usual writing style. But it's a heck of a lot easier to pull off while breast feeding!

You forgave me, right?

This is what my mom said in response to my story about the first time I tried to take a shower while home alone with L. He had been asleep in the beco carrier for a good long while. I had started a load of laundry, managed a few other chores, and even had a few minutes to retouch some Halloween photos. I knew I was pushing my luck and that he would want to eat soon. But that also meat it could be hours before I might actually get in the shower, which is still only he opening every other day. So I took my handed and put him in his crib, grabbed the monitor and headed to the bathroom. By the time I was undressed, I could see his eyes were opening. But I got in anyway. He started screaming, and I tried to be as fast as I could. His screaming led to me sobbing and getting soap in my eyes. When I was all done, I barely dried off and ran to his room to scoop him up, feeling horrible.

"You forgave me, right?" said my mom.

I guess she has a point. I have no recollection of being left to scream while my mom showered or peed.

It's just that we worked so darn hard for this little guy, and despite the fact that I'm taking a half a year off, I can't help but feel that my time with him is so fleeting. I don't ever want to be the one to make him sad.

* * *

I can't seem to get a handle in the weeping. We're three weeks in and I feel absolutely no control over my emotions. The reality is. We're doing great. L and I have yet to make it through an entire work day alone, thanks to hubby working from him during Sandy, and coming home for lunch yesterday. He's a really good baby. He has some fussy moments in the evening, but nothing inconsolable yet, knock on wood. We bought a cosleeper for our bed, so he sleeps for good chunks at night without being on one of us. He's pretty darn awesome all in all.

And his mommy can't stop crying.

I'm definitely stressed out because hubby needs do spend at least one night, if not more, out of town next week for work. We're trying to coordinate with my mom to come say again, but the scheduling is really tricky, and I'm terrified of being alone with L over night after being alone all day. Hubby is so much better at calming him at night when he fusses than I am. I still don't feel fully mobile. I've barely had to make myself one meal in over three weeks. It overwhelming. And it makes me sad that I don't feel like I have more of a local support system. Hubby's mom is here, but just had her knee replaced, so she's laid up in rehab for a few weeks.

Aside from this situation, it's so hard for me to ever imagine getting out of the house for more than an hour stretch. Nursing with the nipple shield is such a process. I feel like I need to have everything arranged just so to be prepared to be confined to my chair for an hour. I can't fathom needing to do that out of the comfort of my home. I guess I could start pumping and brin bottles with me when I go out, but I need to understand better if I should hen pump while I'm out after he eats anyway, or could that wait til I get home? There is a breastfeeding support group I want to start going to to get help losing the shield, among other things. But then I'd have to leave the house on my own. I haven't driven in over three weeks!

The other thing that freaks me out are diaper changes. I've established a strategy to make sure L doesn't pee in his face, but three times yesterday, he did pee during the change and messed his clothes. What if I bring him to a friends house and he pees all over their stuff?

I so wanted to be a confident mom who was not afraid to go out into the world while L is small and portable, but instead, I feel like a weepy, anxiety ridden recluse. I keep telling myself that the weepy is hormonal, and it will go away soon. It will, right?

And L will forgive me too.

* * *

A few more Halloween shots to share because I just can't get enough of my precious boy.

My intense eater

Does this kid looked stressed out about eating or what? He has this adorable furrowed brow and such intensity. He's a baby on a mission!