Surprise!

Everyone knows that I'm in limbo land, waiting for AF to arrive so that I can go back on bcps and re-start IVF #2.1. The confusing thing, is that I really have had no idea when she would show up. It's been 3 weeks since I took the last pill for IVF #2.0. It's been 2 weeks and one day since I started spotting heavily. I showed signs of ovulation about two weeks after the last pill (so about one week ago). Did you all follow that? So, my expert estimation had me with about a week left to go before we could get this show on the road.

But then, I had an annoying lower back ache last night. And sitting here at work today, I started to feel crampy. I went to the bathroom, and low and behold, there was good old Auntie Flo!.

People have Aunties in New England. Did you know that? And it's pronounced ontie. I am originally from upstate New York. I do not have onties. I have ants. But I digress...

In any case, this means I could be starting my bcps tonight or tomorrow, which puts us at about 4.5 weeks away from the big event. We could actually get this in before the end of September. Woo hoo!

Of course, I just made Hubby block out the last weekend of September to paint our bedroom. If all goes according to my new plan, I won't feel much up to painting by then! And of course, no good cycle is without it's share of true calender stresses. I was supposed to have jury duty - today in fact. But not knowing how 2.0 would play out, I decided to postpone until I was sure that the cycle would be over, and I would be either happily knocked up or taking some time to seek a second opinion. What date did I choose out of 365 choices, September 22. Which will be approximately Day 7 of stims. Good thing the court house is only 20 minutes from the hospital. Can you imagine? A monitoring appointment on the way to jury duty, and then having to tell the judge...um...if you seat me on a jury that needs me for more than one day, I will not be able to serve due to needing to have a dildocam with a needle shoved up my hooha in the next few days. No, I'm sorry, I can't tell you when yet. I'm waiting for the nurse to call me back..seriously! I'm not even going to dream that I could stim for less than 7 days at this point. There is no sense in truly stressing until I'm actually stabbing the Gonal F into my though twice a day.

Ah! I just can't wait to get this show on the road.

By the way, I treated myself to a pedicure last night, which was awesome. I can't stop staring at my toes. And today, I took a long lunch, because the last week of summer is about as slow as the week between Christmas and New Years, and wandered around Target just for fun. I forgot it was back to school time. It was a little busier than I would have liked. But it was still enjoyable. I bought myself a sexy bra, camisole and panties (you can't call them underwear if they are sexy, right?) just because I wanted to feel sexy to go with my hot pedicure.

All right, I'm starting to veer off uncontrolled. Time to look productive with my limited supply of work for another few hours before I go meet my Resolve friend for dinner.

After the storm

Well, we survived the hurricane, which was just a tropical storm by the time it made it to Massachusetts. It wasn't TOO bad in the Boston area, but we really seem to have lucked out. Just a sprinkling of twigs and leaves in the yard. We never lost power. There are definitely larger branches down in our neighbors yards, and a good part of our town did actually loose power. It could have been much worse for us.

Even though it was only a tropical storm, it still did seem to do quite a bit of damage throughout the northeast. There are some amazing pictures of uprooted trees, one right in Boston's Back Bay. My friend in the Hudson Valley as 22 inches of water in her basement. Another friend in Westport MA is without power and probably will be for most of the week. her husband was driving her more crazy than her three-year-old.

I was getting frustrated by all the people who were so skeptical about the preparations, and the hype. Yes, sometimes I think the weather people tend to get carried away, and yes, the storm was not that bad on my particular quarter acre plot of land. But, it's really hard to predict if the storm is going to track toward Albany or Worcester. I'm glad we were prepared for worse than we got. It really didn't take much more than a trip to the grocery store that we needed anyway, a half hour bringing stuff in from the yard, and a few minutes making sure we knew where the candles were. I'm not sure why some people needed to feel so inconvenienced.

I hope all of you made it through the storm ok too!

Are you ready?

Hurricanes are not something we get a lot of here in New England. It's all anyone can talk about, and all Hubby can watch on TV. He's in full on survival mode, hand cranking his emergency radio as we speak. It's not even raining here yet. We spent last night and this morning getting ready. Now were just waiting. Seems like we do a lot of waiting these days. 

Flash lights are gathered and have fresh batteries. 

All the outdoor furniture has been stowed in the garage. 

We even tilted our patio table against the fence, and braced the fire pit between the two benches.

So, what do I plan to do while waiting for and weathering the storm? I have a long list of things around the house, like cleaning, accessorizing our new living room shelves, mopping the basement floor now that it seems like the cat pee episodes are behind us (yes we cleaned up all along the way, but I feel like the whole floor needs a refresher!) I hadn't really planned on doing anything specific this weekend, so whatever I do, or don't do is fine by me. I have lots of choices .

One of my favorite options is working on a little graphic design project I've had brewing in my mind for quite some time. It's something that I want to share with all of you, so I figure if I throw it out there, it will motivate me to get moving on it. 

Lastly, thanks for all the kind words on my last post. I feel like we need an Iffer summit in Chicago where we can all meet in the middle or something. You all had a lot of great ideas for me. I do in fact, attend a monthly Resolve group. (the next meeting isn't until 9/13.) But, I did mention my blog to the group a few sessions ago, and I was contacted by one of the women who has since started reading. We're planning to get together this coming week! (Yes, I owe you an email with a plan!)

Anyway, I hope you are all having a great weekend, and if you are on the east coast, please stay safe and dry!

Lonely and Lost

It's been just over a week since I last wrote. I think I'm still dazed and confused by the fact that I was supposed to have had an egg retrieval by now, but instead, I've been slowly plugging away at work, where the pace of my project has slowed down quite considerably. A slower pace at work is nice, but does not serve as the best distraction.

I've been getting home at a more reasonable hours most days, but have been having trouble figuring out what to do with myself, aside from going for a walk, in the evenings. There isn't even any good new tv with which to numb myself. I always fall into a bit of a slump whenever a projects ends. It takes a swift kick in the pants to get me motivated again. Having extra time in the evenings coinciding with the IVF that wasn't isn't helping matters in the least.

I wish I has something more positive or humorous to say, but I just don't. I feel like I'm just floating through life on a breeze at the moment. I could really use thoughts on how to embrace life, find the happy, enjoy my husband, how to pull myself out of this slump. What are some things that have worked for you laddies when your feeling down and stuck?

I am really feeling quite lonely right now as well. I have somehow managed to make it to my mid-30s with very few close friends, and literally none who live close enough to meet me out for a drink when I'm having a bad day. The close friends I do have who live far away all have children, and have for years, with the exception of one, who just got engaged. I've been thinking of telling the story of exactly how I ended up here, about how for a good portion of my life, I just haven't quite fit in with the people who surround me, be it because I'm too young, too old, single, or childless. Maybe I will talk more about that another day. But yeah, in summary, I've spent pretty much my entire adult life just not quite relating to those around me.

The main group of people we socialize with these days are Hubby's friends from college. They range in age from 40 to 46. I am 36. None of them want to have children. Not a single one. Hubby has let some of them in on what we are going through, and I have been able to talk to one woman on occasion, who used to work for an insurance company in their infertility benefits area, so she understands some of the process. But on the other hand, she also makes suggestions like getting myself hypnotized to think that I'm not trying anymore, because she swears she saw so many people get pregnant once they stopped trying. Whatever.

In any case, they just can't fully understand what it's like. They can't understand that I can't commit now to going to the Vineyard with them next summer, and that even if I could, I might not want to eat out at a pricey restaurant every single night because I am saving money for a maternity leave, baby furniture and day care that  I might never actually need. I used to be told repeated by one woman - smugly childless by choice as if those who decide to parent are completely inferior beings -  who works at the children's museum, that before I decided to have kids, I should at least follow her around work all day to learn what not to do. As if that would negate the innate need I feel inside my body to be a mother. And it's quite overwhelming to know that my entire social circle will disintegrate before my very eyes the moment I am ever lucky enough to actually give birth. Not only do they not want to have children, they don't ever wish to be around them. Something in me hopes that maybe they love us enough that they will still be willing to come hang out by our fire pit when I have a baby monitor in my lap. Or that they wouldn't object to us coming to the Vineyard for a few days with an infant who mostly sleeps, especially since there is one detached cabin at the house thy regularly rent. But it is really hard to invest a lot of time and energy in cultivating these friendships when they could cease to exist as soon as I get my greatest wish.

So yeah, these people don't quite get me, as lovely as most of them are. And yes, we have great times with them. But I don't get their humor, I'm half a decade off in music and pop culture...and yes, high school in the early 90s vs high school in the mid 80s seems to make a huge difference. And they love to drink. My tolerance is next to non-existent after months of limited intake. I have one, and I'm done these days or I feel sick.

Funny that I mentioned earlier that I wish I had a close friend to meet me for a drink after a bad day. But, it's not about the drink. It's about the conversation. The understanding. The companionship.

So this might sound really pathetic, but seriously, if any of you live in the Boston area and ever want to get together in person to commiserate, I'm currently taking applications for some new friends. And somehow, with you ladies, I think I might have a better chance of feeling like I fit in.

It Gets Worse

Pardon me ladies, for yet another raging, screaming post. I have to vent this out while it's fresh, before it gets stuck and festers.

Hubby did talk to Nurse N yesterday, who admitted the error, but implied that the estrogen level indicated that this might not have been the most ideal cycle to move forward with anyway, and that a less responsible clinic would have gone ahead, and taken the money to go for it, since it's just insurance anyway.

OK, fine. I was all set to let it go, and move one, and think they they really just want me to have a cycle in the best possible circumstances.

Until Hubby got his requested call back from Dr. A. She confirmed that it was a fuck up. When the nurse saw the results of the E2 levels, she still didn't realize what protocol I was on, and that it wouldn't make a difference. Dr. A confirmed that there is NO indication that those E2 levels have an adverse outcome on an antagonist cycle. But, by the time Dr. A was fully aware of what was going on, I had already started to "recruit" follicles, therefore it was too late for the stims to have an affect to get more.

So no, I'm sorry, I don't take back my rage filled post from yesterday.

She does seem to think we'll get this done in about 6 weeks though, not a full eight, as if that's any consolation. And Hubby said that for the first time, she expressed confidence in a positive outcome. She said she really doesn't plan on #3 or #4. God, I hope she's right.

I guess, what I still don't understand is why I have to have a natural cycle. I guess cause the bcps would have had to start up before the recruiting in order to quiet the ovaries?

At least they are now aware that they fucked up, and that Hubby is paying attention too, and they better be super diligent with us moving forward.

OK, so, after I get rid of all the rage, I will try to focus on the fact that this delay will should put both Hubby and myself into slightly more calm work schedules. We will get our Labor Day cape getaway with no swimming or alcohol restrictions. I have more time to try to loose weight, and keep eating healthy. Although, I had full caf coffee this morning, because it was there, and I didn't want to wait for decaf, and because, fuck that! And I just bought permanent hair dye at CVS because I am starting to have white stripes coming out of my temples. And I might just go get a pedicure because I won't have to take off my toe nail polish for another 6 weeks.

This might sound strange, or like my priorities are misplaced, or something, but in all honesty, one of the things that is really bumming me out about this not happening next week, is that I was really looking forward to a day of anesthesia/percoset stupor, followed closely by two days of bed rest. I have just been going non-stop for most of the summer, and I really need a reason to stop. Is that ridiculous or what? My project is almost over, and I just can't justify calling in sick, without a really good reason, until it is. But, man, do I need it.

My long Labor Day weekend cannot get here soon enough.

Thanks as always for the support and shared outrage. Let this be a lesson to anyone on the antagonist protocol. If they take blood with your baseline ultrasound, ask why?!

Frustrated

I have to get this out while it's still fresh in my mind.

I have been totally screwed over by an error! I want to yell, and kick, and scream! Instead, Hubby is calling back to talk to the nurses, or Dr. A if he can get her, to express his displeasure. I'm glad he's doing it, because I'm not so good at being the squeaky wheel.

I called this morning to ask 3 questions.

1. How long should I expect to wait for my next bleed. A normal 4 weeks? I have no idea what 3 weeks of bcps have done to my cycles. Answer: Yes, it should be a normal cycle length, although it seems that maybe 4 weeks from the last pill, which is maybe only 3 weeks away at this point? 


2. Are there any restrictions on trying naturally right now? Answer: No. Go for it.

3. I'm confused. You say that when I start bcps again next time, it will be for 2 weeks, and this time you will only be doing a baseline u/b, but no bloodwork, and will then get me started. If my E2 was such a big deal this time, why are we not testing it the next time? Please enlighten me...? Answer: "Well, we typically don't test E2 and progesterone at baseline on an antagonist protocol. You were scheduled for that blood work in error." (IN FUCKING ERROR!) Apparently it's not out of the ordinary to have an elevated E2 coming off bcps. And is apparently not an issue because usually they don't even test for it. But, once they tested mine, and saw it was higher than ideal, they decided to wait a day to see if it would drop. And then another two days. And then they waited too long, and now it's too late for them to stimulate because they won't get enough follicles. Because the fact that it went up shows that the one normal follicle I should have is already approaching an ovulatory state. 


Thank you very much for wasting two months of my life. For making me stress for weeks about how to make this cycle work with a very busy work schedule. For making it impossible for me to announce a pregnancy at Christmas to my family, because I won't feel far enough along at that point, even if we are successful later this fall. Thank you very much for acting like it's no big deal, and I shouldn't worry because insurance has approved us through the middle of October, and we should finish this up by then. Thanks very much for pricking my arm three times unnecessarily, only to use that data to fuck with my life.

You had better fucking make this next cycle work to the best of your abilities!

E2 now 202 (updated) (again)

That's up, damn it! Wrong way little ovaries. Can you please start cooperating with me? I really can't take it anymore. Do you realize that in 8.5 months of 2011 we have only had two legitimate tries for egg to meet sperm? It's fucking ridiculous. We've either been supressing, cancelled or dealing with sexual side effects for every cycle but one ivf and one iui this year, and I'm getting really fucking impatient. Again, still waiting for instructions from the nurse, but I am not optimistic. Not one little bit!

Update: Heard from the nurse. My cycle is officially being "restarted." I am to call with my next bleed and start bcps for another two weeks. I'll have a baseline u/s - but no b/w - 4 days after that, and we'll get started. Why no blood then, when they've just tested my E2 three out of the last 4 days. How do they know it will be ok to start after another 2 weeks on bcps? And the other thing that's freaking me out...I stated spotting yesterday. It better not be too late to start the next two weeks of bcps. I'l going to loose it if I have to wait another whole cycle. Of course, I always end up playing phone tag with the nurse. Since I have zero privacy at my desk, I have her call my cell. But, I get no cell reception at my desk because I sit inside a zinc clad building, next to a steel stair. So, I have to go outside every few hours to check my messages to see if she has called back. I think I will go do that now. Then, maybe I will be able to stop hyperventilating.

Updated again: Nurse says the spotting doesn't count. I have to wait for a whole nother bleed. The good news is that we don't have to cancel our labor day weekend plans, and I won't be on any swimming restrictions. Maybe Violetta just really wants to be born in June like most of the rest of her family.


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