Intrusive Post Partum Thoughts.
And now I can stop worrying about acting on them. Not that I ever actually, logically thought I would act on them. But when they happen over and over and over for months, it's hard not to think that you're some kind of freakish monster of a mother. I was commended for admitting them so early. And I share this now, because I know some of you out there are having them too. You'll be ok.
And those thoughts will be diminishing soon as my prescription for Z*loft is currently being called into the pharmacy.
It is not an easy decision for me to return to the world of SSRIs. I struggled to get off of them after eight years, before beginning TTC. And I'm sure there are many who would disagree with my decision. But I need the thoughts to stop. I need to be able to sleep when L does. He's had two great 10 hour intervals between feedings this week, and I've been staring at the ceiling for hours. Not fun. So yeah. After being off meds for 4.5 years, I'm going back. Talking it out just isn't going to cut it right now. Let's hope my nutritional expertise garnered from my bout with GD will help to fend off the weight gain!
Now, how did I end up here? Well, like I said I would, I called my OB, and received the name of a therapist to visit. I just came from finally meeting with her. I will also be seeing a psychiatrist at the end of February. In the meantime, by OB is prescribing Z*loft and At*van.
The therapist, Dr. K, told me that there are three situations that set people up for PPD. And I only have one. So, there's some good news. In case you are curious, those situations are:
- An extremely fussy baby
- Extreme issues with nursing forcing the need to stop
- Sleep issues
Hello insmomniac. (Typo intended. I'm coining the term "insmomnia," right now. Yes, I am.)
One of these days, I will write a post about sleep. It's not all that bad in our house. But we have had some issues with where L has been sleeping. Over the past few weeks, we have made tons of improvements. For him. Not me. But like I said, sleep is a post in itself.
Aside from meds, I'm going back to the therapist in a week or so (cancellation waiting list dependent). She's going to teach me techniques for dealing with anxiety, which, despite my years upon years of therapy, is not something I've ever been truly taught. I have been instructed to leave the house at least once a day, if only to go for a drive through a drive-thru somewhere. (There are not enough drive-thrus near me. Must research!) And I need help. I need someone else to spend time with L so I can have time for myself. Maybe I should just join the Y so I can exercise and leave L at their daycare. But I'm so NOT a gym person!
We're alone together for a good part of many days. And lately, Hubby has been coming home late from work, and working on projects around the house on the weekends when he is actually home. We need to find a better balance here. And, it's time to start getting my MIL to come watch L every now and then. She's going to be doing it one day a week come May, so I guess it's never too early to start practicing, right? I'm not quite sure I'm ready for traditional baby sitters just yet. But maybe I need to research.
I need to keep trying to set up play dates and outings with the few mom friends I have and take advantage of the women that I've meet through my Isis classes to go to the mall or more mommy movies.
And I need to know that I'm a good mom, and I will be ok. I'm going to kick those intrusive thoughts to the curb!
I had many of the same thoughts. My big one was that i would set her down on the edge of the bed or sofa and she'd just fall off, or she'd simply slip through my arms while I was holding her. I never knew there was an actual name for those thoughts. Good for you for taking steps to take care of yourself. I was on Zoloft to before TTC and having my daughter. She's at a year now and this week I'm making an appointment with my doctor to get a new prescription. I've been telling myself that if I get enough sleep, eat right, get some exercise and spend time with other people I'll be fine. But the reality is that as a mom keeping everything in balance just doesn't happen and I need some help to keep me from winding up curled up on the couch completely crippled by depression and anxiety. Some times we need help and there is nothing wrong with that. Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteSo proud of you. This is proactive and exactly what you need. We need time for ourselves!
ReplyDeleteI suffer badly with intrusive thoughts all the time. I developed them in August of 2009 a year after my miscarriage and 2 deaths of loved ones. I suddenly became riddled with all these horrible thoughts that I could not control. What made it more frightening was the thought of acting out these thoughts, though I knew I didn't want to and I knew I really wouldn't..it was not easy. I too, started an antidepressant. For 2 yrs they were my saving grace. I am betting on the fact that if I ever get pregnant after IVF that I probably will have PPD...and I have no qualms about going back on medication if needed. Don't beat yourself up. You've been through a lot with Infertility and now parenting after IF. It's not easy! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteSounds like a great plan of action! PPD is one of the reasons I didn't come off my meds while pregnant or after birth. I hope that combo helps you and you are feeling great and enjoying life and sleeping again!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing your story so far. all of us stuck in our houses with little babies need to know that we're not alone. Good for you for taking action now!!!
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that you made the hard decision to speak with someone and do what is best for you. I know that post partum is not the easiest place to be by a long shot.
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing this. I have a 5 month old and have been suffering from insomnia and horrible, scary thoughts of something bad happening to my baby. It keeps me up all night, and then the next thing I know, the sun is already up...again.
ReplyDeleteI needed to read this. Again, thank you...