Four

My little L Monster, you are four months old. How on earth did that happen? I have to admit that the last month has gone by in a bit of a blur. Time with you just seems to fly by oh so quickly. I'm so excited to see you grow and change, but I can't help but want to be able to freeze time every once in awhile.

At your fourth month appointment, you weighed in at 14 lbs. 9 oz. and measured a whopping 26.5 inches, putting you at the 30th percentile for weight, and 95th for height! Tall and skinny little man, like your Uncle J. I hope that sticks with you, but I don't think it's too much of a predictor of adulthood just yet.

You are more and more fun every day. You chat up a storm, and have started letting out some new deeper sounding "ahhhhh, ahhhh, ahhhhs," like you are trying intently to tell me something with a very serious look on your face. You are definitely experimenting with your voice these days. I'm dying to really get you laughing. So far, you've let out a few precious little giggles to go with your abundance of smiles.

Your favorite thing to do is chew on your hands, but you are starting to get some toys into your mouth as well. And you're up to all sorts of new tricks on the floor. When I put you on your mat on the floor, you are somehow able to rotate yourself 90 degrees, still flat on your back. I haven't yet caught exactly how you accomplish the feat because I am usually loading the dishwasher or something. You are also starting to be able to scoot forward like a little inch worm. You've crept forward almost an entire body length. We really need to keep a close eye on you kiddo!

You love to stand, and are a pro in your bumbo seat. You also love to fly in the air high above my head. When I drop you back down to my lap, you bounce a bit and raise your arms up asking to fly again. It is so fun to see you learning anticipation.

You survived not only your first cold this month, but also your first blizzard. I was sick with you during the blizzard, so we just took lots and lots of snuggly naps together. I will miss our afternoon naps so much when I finally have to go back to work in the spring.

Oh little man, there is so much more I should tell you, I'm sure. I know I feel this way every month. It's simply impossible to document all the wonderful things about you. You grow and change so much every day. Just know that you have rocked my world in the most amazing way possible. And I cherish every moment!

*yeah, yeah, pics are still on the camera. coming soon....

Monday Snapshot: Mama's night out

Thursday night, Hubby stayed home with L, and I got all dressed up to attend the Boston Society of Architects awards gala where one of my projects was recognized. I had fun shopping for the dress and planning my flapperesque look. I even found a few minutes to make the necklace in the weeks before the event. It was fun to have a grown up night out, feeling like I looked better than I have in years!

Intrusive Thoughts

So, those crazy thoughts...I did mention them, right? The ones where I see the stroller slipping out of my hands and rolling into traffic, or me stepping on his head accidentally, or letting go of him when I'm walking up and down the stairs? Turns out they have a name.

Intrusive Post Partum Thoughts.

And now I can stop worrying about acting on them. Not that I ever actually, logically thought I would act on them. But when they happen over and over and over for months, it's hard not to think that you're some kind of freakish monster of a mother. I was commended for admitting them so early. And I share this now, because I know some of you out there are having them too. You'll be ok.

And those thoughts will be diminishing soon as my prescription for Z*loft is currently being called into the pharmacy.

It is not an easy decision for me to return to the world of SSRIs. I struggled to get off of them after eight years, before beginning TTC. And I'm sure there are many who would disagree with my decision. But I need the thoughts to stop. I need to be able to sleep when L does. He's had two great 10 hour intervals between feedings this week, and I've been staring at the ceiling for hours. Not fun. So yeah. After being off meds for 4.5 years, I'm going back. Talking it out just isn't going to cut it right now. Let's hope my nutritional expertise garnered from my bout with GD will help to fend off the weight gain!

Now, how did I end up here? Well, like I said I would, I called my OB, and received the name of a therapist to visit. I just came from finally meeting with her. I will also be seeing a psychiatrist at the end of February. In the meantime, by OB is prescribing Z*loft and At*van.

The therapist, Dr. K, told me that there are three situations that set people up for PPD. And I only have one. So, there's some good news. In case you are curious, those situations are:

1. An extremely fussy baby
2. Extreme issues with nursing forcing the need to stop
3. Sleep issues

Hello insmomniac. (Typo intended. I'm coining the term "insmomnia," right now. Yes, I am.)

One of these days, I will write a post about sleep. It's not all that bad in our house. But we have had some issues with where L has been sleeping. Over the past few weeks, we have made tons of improvements. For him. Not me. But like I said, sleep is a post in itself.

Aside from meds, I'm going back to the therapist in a week or so (cancellation waiting list dependent). She's going to teach me techniques for dealing with anxiety, which, despite my years upon years of therapy, is not something I've ever been truly taught. I have been instructed to leave the house at least once a day, if only to go for a drive through a drive-thru somewhere. (There are not enough drive-thrus near me. Must research!) And I need help. I need someone else to spend time with L so I can have time for myself. Maybe I should just join the Y so I can exercise and leave L at their daycare. But I'm so NOT a gym person!

We're alone together for a good part of many days. And lately, Hubby has been coming home late from work, and working on projects around the house on the weekends when he is actually home. We need to find a better balance here. And, it's time to start getting my MIL to come watch L every now and then. She's going to be doing it one day a week come May, so I guess it's never too early to start practicing, right? I'm not quite sure I'm ready for traditional baby sitters just yet. But maybe I need to research. 

I need to keep trying to set up play dates and outings with the few mom friends I have and take advantage of the women that I've meet through my Isis classes to go to the mall or more mommy movies. 

And I need to know that I'm a good mom, and I will be ok. I'm going to kick those intrusive thoughts to the curb!

Cloth Diaper Dilemna

I know a lot of you out there are successfully cloth diapering. This is something that I am really interested in. I love the idea of the cost savings, fewer rashes and blow outs, and helping the environment is a happy side effect. Not to mention that they are so darn cute!

I have borrowed a stash of pockets from a friend, and I have four bum genius all in ones, two elementals and two freetime. So far, for me, the freetimes are my favorite. They fit well, and wash and dry well. Being that's its winter, we're not well set up for line drying outside, so the cotton is taking forever to dry. The pockets work really well, but I am planning to go back to work four days a week. L will be in daycare three days and they are willing to take cloth. But once in working, I can't imagine taking all the extra time for stuffing pockets, and the thought of unstuffing pockets that have been sitting all day is less than apealing.

Ok, so the dilemna...I keep giving this a try but have yet to make it through an entire week because after two days, L keeps getting a rash! It's basically redness in the area of his butt crack with sometimes a small line if red bumps right at the edge if the redness.

We've used a lot of balmex preventatives, and it seems to me that he is just really sensitive to poo and needs to have a barrier all the time. My mom tells I was this way too. So, we go back to disposable and balmex until it clears. This round, I'm trying coconut oil while he's in cloth and using a disposable with balmex over night. But the rash is back! I'm going to give the coconut oil a few days. And then I'm not sure what to do. Also, I don't think its a detergent rash because its so localized. But I'm using bum genius and started using half as much to see if that made a difference. Thoughts?

My other concern, aside from solving the rash issue before I actually invest in my own stash, is keeping up with laundry when I go back to work. I would love some feedback on whether or not this is feasible while working, or am I crazy? Especially since we all know I actually am a but crazy and need to deal with that too?!

As for my last post, thanks for all the great support! It's really helpful to know that people out there really get it. I called the office I was referred to an am waiting to hear back from them after they evaluate my issues and find the right person for me to see. I should hear back by the beginning of next week at the latest. Waiting is frustrating! I just want to feel better already! So I think L and I are going shopping this afternoon for a little retail therapy.

Monday Snapshot: Class Picture Edition

The week was the last meeting of our first class at Isis. L sported his signature argyle vest for the event.

Admitting It

Admitting it is half the battle, right? Well, it's time. I am not myself. I am struggling, and it's not getting any better. We hit a groove in December. I love the holidays, the decor, the festivities. I did a pretty good job of getting all my shopping done from my laptop while nursing. Life was good. We were out and about and doing well.

Then, we got home from visiting my mom, and I haven't felt healthy since. I had a fever that first night home, and have been dealing with sinus congestion ever since. It's not the stuffy nose where you can't breath kind, but the the kid that is so deep in your head that it always feels heavy, and there is usually post nasal drip going on. I keep thinking I have a cold, but then it doesn't really turn into anything. I just feel blah. And of course, I'm too paranoid of messing up my milk supply to really take some decongestants that would probably clear everything up. So saline rinse it is.

This feeling, along with the aches and pains of what I'm realizing is not an ideal nursing posture, mixed with a twelve week growth spurt has me at about the end of my rope. I got lots of good sleep while at my mom's over Christmas. But since, I've been an insomniac with a pea sized bladder. L can usually go 7-8 hours between feedings at this point. He eats for last time somewhere around 8, and by the time we get him tucked into bed, it's about 9:30. He then sleeps (for the most part, usually needs to be soothed once or twice) until about 3 or 4 when we wants to eat again. I've been getting into bed by about 10:30 myself, and having trouble falling asleep. Then, I usually have to pee around 1, sooth L around 2, and feed him around 4. Last night, I swear I saw every hour on the clock as time ticked by. There is nothing more excruciating than lying awake in the middle of the night next to a peacefully sleeping baby. Nothing.

Two night ago, I burst into tears when, as requested, my husband emailed me a list of extra curricular work activities he has coming up over the next few months. When I saw that he would be busy for two Saturdays in April, including the one right after my birthday, I just couldn't handle it. I love being with L. In fact, I am beginning to freak out about going back to work, and I still have another three months. But man, do I look forward to evenings and weekends, because I really like to be with my family of three. And I need help. I need Hubby to spend time with L so I can just get some shit done. I need to get a massage to fix my fucked up neck. I need to reorganize my closets and get all my non-maternity clothes out of the attic so I can have more than three things to wear. I need to not be by myself.

And this is when I went to good old doctor google and typed "three months post partum depression."

This is the article I first read. See below in bold for all the things I can relate to right now.

Postpartum blues. A certain amount of insomnia, irritability, tears, overwhelmed feelings, and mood swings are normal during the first days afterchildbirth. These "baby blues" usually peak around the fourth postpartum day and subside in less than 2 weeks, when hormonal changes have settled down. If you have postpartum blues after childbirth, you're not alone-more than half of women have temporary mild symptoms of depression mixed with feelings of happiness after having a baby.²Be sure to report any feelings of postpartum blues to your doctor at your first postpartum checkup, so he or she can follow up with you.Postpartum depression (PPD). Symptoms of postpartum depression can follow postpartum blues. They can feel like more of the same or can feel worse than before. Postpartum depression can also happen months after childbirth or pregnancy loss. In some cases, symptoms peak after slowly building for 3 or 4 months. Possible PPD symptoms require evaluation by a doctor.If you have postpartum depression, you have had five or more depressive symptoms (including one of the first two listed below) for most of the past 2 weeks, including:^1, 2

• Depressed mood-tearfulness, hopelessness, and feeling empty inside, with or without severe anxiety.

• Loss of pleasure in either all or almost all of your daily activities.

• Appetite and weight change-usually a drop in appetite and weight but sometimes the opposite.

• Sleep problems-usually trouble with sleeping, even when your baby is sleeping.

• Noticeable change in how you walk and talk-usually restlessness, but sometimes sluggishness.

• Extreme fatigue or loss of energy.

• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, with no reasonable cause.

• Difficulty concentrating and making decisions.

• Thoughts about death or suicide. Some women with PPD have fleeting, frightening thoughts of harming their babies. These thoughts tend to be fearful thoughts, rather than urges to harm.

Hmm. Let's see. That would be seven. It was that last one, the fearful thoughts, rather than urges to harm, that got me. I've had these awful thoughts for a long time, though they have tapered off a lot since the beginning. They are still there at times. I think they were probably masked a bit by the holiday excitement. The thing is, there is no desire to harm L at all. The fear is that something will happen to him, or that I will accidentally harm him somehow. The thoughts are more like...What if I get so tired that my arms fall open and I drop him on the floor?  What if I trip and step on his head? What if I let go of the stroller when we're out for a walk and he rolls into traffic? And the worst is that when ever I am away from him, I think someone is going to die in a car accident.

Yeah. It was reading that last bullet point that made me realize I need to do something about this. I can't go on this way. I have three months left before I go back to work, and I want to enjoy as much of it as possible. (That said, we all know that not every moment with an infant is truly enjoyable, explosive poops and spit-ups and all, but you know what I mean.)

I have dealt with anxiety and depression for over a decade now, and have been in therapy twice. I'm really not looking forward to regular therapy right now. Mostly because I just don't want to fit it into my life. But, if that's what I have to do, I'll fogire out how to make it work, and hope it's only temporary. I'm equally less than thrilled thinking about the possiblity of taking medication. I took SSRIs for 8 years. I gained weight, lost my libido, and it was damn hard to go off. But I cannot continue to fear that my child will die in a car accident every time we are separated. That's just not practical.

I had a strong feeling might end up in this place, given my history. I promised myself I would do something about it. I emailed my OB and got the name of a therapist to call. I just have to make that call and set up a consultation. I will do it before the week is out. I have to. It's not easy. But like I said, admitting it is half the battle, right?

I'm admitting this here because I know some of you have been through this. Some of you have talked about it. Some of you haven't. But we need to talk about these things. They happen, and we shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed. We should feel able to do something to fix it. It doesn't mean that I'm a bad mother. It doesn't mean that I don't love my son, or that I'm not incredibly grateful for him every. single. day. It means that an incredible hormone crash mixed with months of sleep deprivation and a predisposition for anxiety has left me feeling not my best self. It doesn't mean I have to stay that way.

Advice for New Moms from New Moms

L and I just finished an 8 week class called Great Beginnings at a Boston area parenting center called Isis Parenting. One of our discussion points for the last class was what advice we would have to offer other new moms. I thought it might be nice to share some of those items here, along with some extra points of my own I feel are worth sharing.

• They won't remember. I wrote about this concept back in my first month of motherhood. My mom said to me "you forgave me, right?" in response to me telling her that L had started screaming while I was in the shower, and I felt terrible for letting him cry. Really. Think back. You can't remember, right?
• If you are nursing, let your husband give the baby a bottle as soon as you are ready to pump...3 weeks or so should do it. I wish I had done it sooner. It made all the difference in the world to me in the second month to be able to sleep one stretch that was more than two hours during the night. 
• Take a mommy and me style class. Don't wait. It is great to have a reason to get out of the house, and meeting other moms in person is invaluable. It also helps to hear other babies cry, and realize that if they don't really sound that loud to you, then your baby must not sound all that loud to everyone else. 
• Don't compare yourself to other moms. You are doing the best that you can with the circumstances that you have to take the best care of your baby. 
• Don't compare your baby to other babies. Some will sleep for 12 hours straight early on in life. Some won't be able to nurse. Some will want to eat every two hours. Some will be awesome at tummy time. Some will hate it. Some will be big. Some will be small. Who cares? Your baby is your baby, and that, in itself, especially in this world, is simply awesome. 
• Wait for the third poop/fart before changing the diaper. Poop often come in threes. Avoid the projectile poop in the bathroom at the restaurant as just happened to my classmate at lunch today. Wait for the third poop!
• If you need to use a nipple shield, own more than one. And bring more than one out into the world with you or you might have to cut your first in restaurant nursing session short when the shield falls onto the floor. Yes, this just happened to me. 
• If you need to use a nipple shield, try at least once a day to nurse without it, or you will be 14 weeks in and still completely dependent on the darn thing. 
• Accept help from whoever is willing. 
• Request that all visitors bring food.  
• Don't be afraid to take your baby to restaurants, especially when they are small and good at falling asleep anywhere. 
• Make sure to take time for yourself (easier said than done, as I have failed miserably at this so far. I am in desperate need of a massage. Nursing has destroyed my back and neck)
• In addition to time for yourself. Take care of yourself. If the crazy thoughts about harm coming to your baby are still with you at fourteen weeks, and insomnia, fatigue and irritability are dominating your life (ahem)* then it is time to pick up the phone and call for help. 

What about the other moms out there...what advice to you have to offer to new moms?

*Yes, there will be another post on this topic as soon as I can manage. I think it's time. I can't deny it any longer.