The Next Book of the Chronicles

OK, OK, I know you are all waiting desperately by the phone, ipad or monitor to find out the answer. Well, I am proud to announce that the next book of the Chronicles of Violetta Margarita will officially be called...

The New Adventures of Luigi Limoncello

That's right folks, we saw boy parts yesterday. I hope Luigi won't be too upset to learn that the first for 18.5 weeks of his existence, he was referred to as a girl! Our anatomy scan went fairly well, in that everything looked good. Luigi, however, was being uncooperative, and remained face up the entire time, which meant that they didn't get the picture the wanted of his spine. So, I have to go back at the end of next week. Oh darn! (Thanks little buddy!)

He was moving his little arms and legs all around, and at one point, he had just about enough of being poked and prodded and literally started boxing with the probe, and his little legs were kicking up a storm. He was like "Enough is enough, just let me take a nap already, will you?" It was truly adorable, but yet, it did make Hubby a little nervous as he was hoping for a nice calm Violetta. 

So, I have to be honest, because that is what I do here, I am a little bit disappointed that Violetta has not yet chosen to make her appearance. I think many of us have a vision, and it's a little sad when we learn that that vision isn't going to be what we thought or hoped for, and I think that's ok. But that doesn't meant that the reality won't be just as awesome as what we though we wanted. Sometimes a new vision just takes some time to get used to. The one thing that does truly frighten me is that we will ultimately end up with 3 boys if we try for a second through IVF and end up with twins. Now, that would be a nightmare! But, it's a long way off, and in the meantime, I have just about 5 months to get excited and prepared for my little Luigi. And it will be a lot of fun to see him grow up with his new boy cousin who will arrive in about 6 weeks. 

My mom is coming to visit tomorrow and I think I'm going to do the balloon in the box for her to open to make it fun. Then, we'll be doing some shopping on Saturday. She cannot wait to buy the right color clothes. (sigh, girl clothes really are so much more fun...) I spent last night looking at baby boy rooms on Houzz. Not ready to pin any ideas on Pinterest until I've told my mom about Luigi. But I am getting excited for the nursery. And you know what, I always like to play with blocks and matchbox cars more than my barbie dolls when I was a kid anyway. So, maybe I really will be able to figure out what to do with a boy. 

Lastly, before I run off to lunch, my mood improved significantly after seeing Luigi yesterday. I still need to keep an eye on my mood, but I think a lot of it was based on the classic fear that something would be wrong, or he would have died and I wouldn't know it. I get so stressed out before these appointments, being more focused on preparing for bad news rather than getting excited for good. Ah, the long term effects of IF. So, seeing him kicking and punching up a storm might make me worry a bit about future tantrums, yes, but it did a world of good for my state of mind. Also, I was told I could take benadryl on occasion to help with sleeplessness, and got a referral to a sports medicine doctor to evaluate my shoulder and knee pain. So, hopefully I will get a handle on some of those other issues soon. Thanks, as always for all the support! 

Aches & Pains

As I think we are all painfully aware, Infertility Sucks. Yup, it blows the big one, big time. Especially on days like Mother's Day. I am certain that many of you had a completely craptastic day on Sunday. And I am so sorry for that. I boycotted the day last year myself. It was right as we were starting our first of three IVFs, and I just couldn't put on the fake face that day. I know it is hard. I'm sorry it is hard, and I hope every day that those of you who are still trying will find a timely way out of the Land of IF.

And so yes, a part of me feels just a wee bit guilty complaining right now. Because, as I said, Infertility is hard. But so is Pregnancy, Parenthood and life in general. But you know what feels really freaking hard to me right about now, Pregnancy AFTER IF. And here's why. I was 34 when I tossed the pills into the trash. I thought I'd get pregnant right away, and deliver shortly after turning 35. I know I wasn't young to begin with, but at least I hadn't reached the dreaded AMA yet. Well, as we all know, things didn't turn out the way I had planned, and it took nearly 3 years to get that BFP. Now, I will be delivering shortly after I turn 37 and a half. So, let's just say, an additional 3 years of wear and tear on a body before pregnancy is not making for an easy pregnancy, at least in the aches and pains department. I'm incredibly grateful to not have run into any complications with the baby as of yet. 

I've had achy knees for quite some time, which were mostly under control before I got pregnant. Until all the muscles and ligaments in my body started to relax. And now the thought of squatting to the floor is a near impossibility. (not that I was great at that to begin with)

I've suffered with rotater issues in my shoulders for a long time as well, which had been under control thanks to a contoured foam pillow and better ergonomics at work. There was a time when I couldn't sleep on my right side. I thought that time had passed.  Until all the muscles and ligaments in my body started to relax. Now, I am not supposed to sleep on my back, and sleeping on either side is causing me so much pain in my shoulders that this morning, the weight of my water glass was too much to bear, and I had to pick it up with both hands. (I know, I know, differing opinions on sleep position. Just going by what by OB told me). 

I've worn bifocals since high school, and have pretty much used contacts as often as possible. I haven't had a problem reading my computer screen (which I am in front of all day most days) in quite some time. Until all the muscles and ligaments in my body started to relax. Now, the magnifying add to my multifocal contacts is no longer sufficient to compensate for the fact that the muscles around my eyes doesn't want to do the focusing, and I had to break out the glasses. Not such a big deal, except for switching to sunglasses throughout the say, which are not prescription. Thankfully, I'm not that blind unless I'm trying to read. And, I've been told that pregnancy is not the time for  a new prescription, so I just have to wait it out before I can make any changes, if that's what I really need.

Anyway, I started this post two days ago, and have now sort have forgotten where I was going with it. The gist is, I ache, I'm in pain, it's hard to see, it's hard to sleep, and I'm in a funk. Sometimes I wish I was capable of just being a happy person when life is really going my way. I feel completely ridiculous for being down right about now. But, it's true, I've battled anxiety and depression to some extent for years. And I'm struggling a bit right now. The lack of sleep, aches and hormones are not helping matters. I'm about to shut down the computer and go see my beautiful baby and find out if it's a Violetta or a Luigi, and I really hope that that knowledge will snap me out of my funk and help be get to a more excited and joyful place. 

Eighteen Weeks

It seems that the eighteen week mark hit on a very special day, my little Violetta. Not only is 5/13 exactly 5 months from your due date, but it is also Mother's Day. Our very first Mother's Day together. We had a lovely day with Daddy's family at his Aunt N's house. It was the first time we'd seen most of the family since they learned about you. We got several belly rubs for the very first time. It was also fun to trade pregnancy highs and lows with Daddy's cousin A, who is due with her baby about three weeks before you are supposed to arrive. It was a lovely day spent outside in the fresh air and sunshine with lots of happy family around.

The week leading up to Mother's Day was fairly uneventful. I managed to settle on some dates for two baby showers that will be held in your honor later this summer. Daddy got all the framing up for the deck. It won't be long now until I am able to go out and walk on it! It is going to make a perfect hangout for you next summer for sure.

This week, you have hit the sweet potato landmark, or bell pepper. But I happen to love sweet potatoes, where as peppers aren't going over so well these days, so let's focus on the potatoes. Even bigger landmarks ahead...we have an ultrasound scheduled on Wednesday and we should be able to find out once and for all if you will remain Violetta, or I have to change your name to Luigi! I can't wait!

*yes, I realize I am falling behind on photos. I still have to take this week, and post last week, but in attempting to let go of perfection, posting with or without the photos is the only way I will keep getting these posts up at some semblance of the right time!

Moody

I have been moody and grumpy over the last few days. I'm not really sure why. Well, I guess I am. I guess it's just hormones, right? Not anything that I have any control over.

I know I've written at times about issues with perfectionism, and issues with feeling like I never get done all of the supposedly fun projects that I want to get done. I feel like the fatigue I am battling has added an extra element of panic here. I used to come home from work and always be working on some project or another, usually on my computer, while watching TV. But these days, all I seem to be able to manage is the TV watching. I have Blurb book photo album of the first 6 years of my life with Hubby that I want to finish before the baby comes, so that I can then just do one family album a year after that. I haven't touched it in weeks. I feel like I should be researching baby gear and deciding what to register for, blogging more here and on my other house projects blog. Corresponding with friends who have good baby advice to offer. And I just can't manage any of it. The weekends give me 2-4 hours of actual productivity when I'm not feeling in a groggy haze, or an extreme need to nap. But, half of that is usually spent on laundry or some other chore. I feel like I will never dig myself out of this haze, or my piling to do list.

I've been spending a lot of time alone on the weekends as well. Hubby has been killing himself to work on the deck we are adding to our house. He's doing an awesome job, but it's taking up a lot of his time. In addition to that, he's spent at least one day a weekend for the past two months helping his brother move into the new house he's renting, and a complete snails pace. They have already installed all new locks, bought carpets, replaced toilet seats, moved and set up the TVs, and J still hasn't scheduled his movers. He's on his second month of overlapping leases. But hey, it's his money. I just remind Hubby on occasion that once we hit the third trimester, his weekends are mine. There will have to be a hiatus on helping friends and family.

I'm also working myself into a tizzy trying to find a time to have two baby showers, one here in Boston, and one in upstate NY where my mom lives. Between Hubby's cousin being tree weeks ahead of me, and having a shower this summer, his other cousin getting married three weeks before my due date (we have no idea when that shower might be), our trip to the Vineyard in August, my mom going to spend two weeks with my brother in August to help with his new baby, and the fact that she's a teacher, and I really want to fit both showers in during the summer so she doesn't have to deal with them once school starts, and my due date is quickly approaching, well, I'm just not sure how I can make it happen the way I want. And I waited so long for this, that I'm being whiny and annoying about getting what I want! I can't help it!

My MIL is planning to throw the shower here, but I really want my mom to be able to be there. See, I want to have the shower in my house, which has already been debated thoroughly. Hubby and MIL think there is not enough room. But when we realistically look at the guest list, I think we can make it work. I just like house showers so much better, and there isn't anyone else with the appropriate house to host it. Aside from preferring the intimacy of house showers, I don't want MIL to have to spend the money on a restaurant right now with all the medical expenses she has from her husband. It also gives me the opportunity to control what it all looks like. (perfectionism issues again). But honestly, the only friend I have who is crafty enough at throwing parties to be able to out do what I would do for myself is way to busy this summer with her own sisters wedding for me to even dream of asking for her help. I'm just hoping that by some miracle she'll actually be free on the date we pick so she can simply attend. Which leaves me to do the crafty part if either of these showers are going to come close to meeting my vision. Goodness, I could use some local friends like Kelly or Carlia right about now!

So, yes, while my mom might not need to attend the shower in Boston if she is throwing one in NY, I really need her here to help me. See, MIL might be the official hostess, but she's not really physically capable of helping with the prep or the clean-up due to her weight and bad knees. I was crying this all out to Hubby last night, which then brought me back to my favorite complaint of how I have no friends (or very, very few). The women that we hang out with mostly are all childless by choice and have made it very clear they want nothing to do with baby showers. And yesterday, I found out that one of the two friends I have left in my office is giving her notice next week. So that didn't help at all.

Goodness I sound like a whiny bitch. I know, but sometimes you just gotta blog it out to move on.

And then, I have completely freaked myself out, however irrationally, that something is wrong with the baby. I was starting to feel very occasional bubbles, but I haven't really felt anything in a few days. I had to fly to Buffalo for the day on Tuesday, and now I'm convinced the flight hurt the baby. I keep hoping to feel those bubbles again. My pregnant or new mom friends, how long did it take for you to start feeling daily movement? We have a scan on Wednesday, so hopefully I will get some reassurance soon. But yes, I am making myself crazy.

All right, I feel like I have more to vent about, but I was actually just given a task to do at work, so I suppose I should get moving on that. Thanks for listening!

Seventeen Weeks

My dear Violetta, each week of this pregnancy seems to go by so quickly, that it doesn't often feel that there is a whole lot new to say. But each week that goes by so quickly, is one week closer to your arrival, and that is quite simply, very exciting.

This week, I emailed my extended family to tell them that you are on the way. They were all so thrilled and so full of joy and excitement over the news. On my dad's side of the family, you will be the 17th blood great-grandchild to my grandmother who is still going strong at nearly 83. (You'll be the 21st if you count step-relations as well.) The oldest of your second cousins is already in college. It's amazing that between all of you, you span an entire generation! We don't see all of them all that often, but when the clan gets together, it's always sure to be a crazy fun time.

On my mom's side, you will be the 5th great-grandchild. Unfortunately, both of my mom's parents left us awhile ago, but there are still plenty of aunts, uncles and cousins to welcome you.

On Daddy's side, you'll be the 4th great-grandchild to his mom's parents, just three weeks after the arrival of the 3rd! It will be fun for you to have a playmate at the many family gatherings that occur here with the family, all of whom are local.

And lastly, you'll be the first great-grandchild to Daddy's Grampa L who will be 92 about a month after you arrive. That is pretty darn incredible, my little one.

Now, I know, it would be a weekly update without me telling you how big you are. This week, you are a turnip, and onion or an apple. Apples come in many different sizes, as you will learn when we take you apple picking in the fall. I wonder if you will like apple pie as much as I do? Anyway, aside from the fact that this combination sounds like the beginning of a recipe for an interesting stew, it also means that you are big enough that I might be able to feel you moving around, and you know what? I think I have a handful of times so far. Usually, in the evening, when I am relaxing in front of the television I have felt the strangest little sensation of popping bubbles. From what I understand, this is in fact you, Violetta, and it's so cool!

*picture still on the camera, I'll add it later.

How Lovely

Isn't it lovely to get an award? I get excited every single time, because it means that people out there actually enjoy reading what I have to say. And that makes me smile. 

Recently, I was lucky enough to get this award from two lovely ladies...Carlia from the new and improved Nest Building 101 (I am just loving all of her photo tips and crafty ideas by the way), and SLESE1014 from Mommyhood after Fertility Frustration (who always impresses me with her honesty and has helpful insights due to her job in the NICU). Thanks very much ladies!


Ok, so are usual, here's how it works:

1. Share who gave this award to you with a link back to their blog. 
2. Write down 7 random facts about yourself. 
3. Give this award to 15 other bloggers. 

All right, what can I tell you all that I haven't already?

1. First, thanks for all the lovely compliments I've been getting on my belly shots. You all know how to make a girl feel good. But I have a confession to make. I'm a photoshop wiz and I'm not above airbrushing my face a little. (Did I ever mention how many chins I removed out of my wedding photos?) I take the pictures using the timer on my camera (set to take 10 shots with one press of the button so I have a few to choose from). I stand in front of the white closet doors in our office, and then I always photoshop out the seam between the doors so it looks like a big white wall. So, um, yeah, never believe what you see in a photograph!
2. Hubby has gone overboard researching names for Violetta. We want a normalish name, that's nowhere near as popular as my name. See 27 Jennifers tab above. He recently downloaded the top 1000 names for 2010 from the Social Security website and has been running a statistical analysis. This morning, he was excited because he figured out a new way to look at the data. For example, the name Michael was number 3. He analysed the number of Michaels vs. the total number of babies to determine that 1 out of every 100 boys born last year was named Michael. He now wants me to tell him what sort of ratio I would be comfortable with. Hmmm. Anyway, it's very adorable. 
3. I wish I could be a stay at home mom. But, if we want to keep living in Metro Boston, own a house, and have a prayer of helping Violetta pay for college, I think I will have to continue working, at least part time. But I'm so over it. I kinda loved my life when I freelanced from home, even though I racked up a good amount of credit card debt to support myself (all gone now!). I think I'll have to settle for hopefully a 6 month leave, and a 3-4 day work week when I go back...I hope!
4. I'm four weeks away from correctly predicting the winner of American Idol at the top 12 point for the second year in a row. My bragging rights are on Phillip Phillips. Do I want him to win, not necessarily, but he is the next white guy with guitar, and that's just the way these things tend to go. In any case, I will beat out my mom and Hubby who had D'Andre and Colton respectively. 
5. I love Russian dressing. I grew up eating roast beef subs with Russian. Yum! In college, I mostly lived on Russian dressing. I dipped everything in it including grilled cheese, french fries and chocolate chip cookies. Yes, cookies. These days, I get an occasional hot pastrami from my favorite deli (they nuke the meat so it's a safe sandwich) or a veggie wrap smothered in Russian.
6. I fear I will never craft again. I have so many projects that I want to take on, and I can't seem to find the energy or the motivation (and what better motivation is there, really?) I'm convinced that I have 5 months left to craft and then it will all be over! This is not true though, kids love to craft, right?
7. I am picky about chocolate. A friend recently brought over mini fruit tarts for dessert, because as he put it "you don't like chocolate." I proceeded to tell him, sure I do, just not mouse, pudding, ice cream, cake, or really dark bitter chocolate. And try to mix raspberries with chocolate, and you'll see me make quite a face. But I love chocolate chip cookies (even without Russian), brownies, fudge, and milk chocolate (especially dairy milk from the UK). He promptly responded with "yeah, for my purposes, you don't like chocolate." I guess he doesn't want to have to remember my rules!

All right, now it's the moment you've all been waiting for. Who am I going to give this to. Let's see...

1. Emily from A Blanket to Keep
2. Liz from Compromised Fertility
3. Jesica from Just Smile and Blog
4. CW from Life Begins
5. Sometimes
6. NV at Baby NV
7. Rebecca at Life of an Army Wife
8. Rebecca at Trying not to Scream
9. M at A Miracle 4 Us
10. Kelly at Candid Confessions of a Southern Princess
11. Jennifer at Do I Have to be a DINK?
12. Mr. Thompson and Me at Viva La Vida
13. Her Royal Fabulousness at Waiting for Little Feet
14. Jules at The Road Less Traveled
15. Lauren at The Yoakum Crew and a Foster Dog or Two

Sixteen Weeks

Well Violetta, it appears this week, that you are still the size of an avocado, or a lemon, or a rubber ducky. Hmmm. All of the comparisons thus far have been to food. It is strange to think of you as a little yellow duck! I'm also not sure I can picture an avocado and a lemon being the same size, but it's all just an estimate, right my sweet baby?

I'm told that this week is the earliest that I might be able to start feeling your movements. I have a feeling it will be awhile yet, but I am very much looking forward to that landmark. It will be nice and reassuring when I get to the point of feeling you with me every day. I'm also told that you should be able to hear me now, and if I sing the same song to you over and over, you might recognize it when you get here. Daddy has decided he wants to start singing Irish Pub songs to you! He loves a good pub.

This weekend, you had your second trip to Washington, DC to attend your first wedding. We had a great time catching up with my best friends from high school and seeing a few of the local sites, like the Capitol, the White House and the Washington Monument. Our flights were a little rough though, and we both got queasy. Daddy because he hates to fly because he gets motion sickness, and me because you are throwing of the equilibrium in my stomach a bit! Someday, when you are bigger, we'll head back there and take you to some of the fun museums. Maybe we'll drive!

While we wandered around town, we had a lot of fun checking out all the strollers, trying to decide which one we like best for you. We also had some great discussions about names for you. We'll find out in only a few short weeks whether we need the boys list or the girls. Choosing a name is a very difficult thing. We have a very Italian last name, so the names that go best tend to be Italian. However, we're not that Italian. It's a fine balance. Also, because I have the most popular name of an entire decade, I am well aware of what it feels like to always have to be referred to by first and last name. We're aiming for something a little more original for you, but hopefully not so unusual that people think we're all strange. In any case, it is a very fun conversation to have. And we'll be keeping out decision a secret from everyone until you finally arrive.