Waiting for Spots

It's three days since my last pill, and one day before my baseline ultrasound...and I'm still waiting for the damn spots! I feel a little...um, shall we say, moist down there, which I hope is a good sign. I also feel the tiniest of cramps. Oh please spots, please! I can't wait any longer to start stabbing myself every morning, and every night. I've been so patient, I've been so inspired, and distracted and productive. But I really can't take much more. I really can't. I am so paranoid because the last time we were here, the spots didn't show for three days after the supposed baseline. And no one tells me what that means. They just say, call us if you're not spotting. The frustrating thing is that I have to call by 3pm in order to get a call back today, otherwise, I have to show up tomorrow morning at 7am...maybe for no reason? But what if the spots don't come until tonight. I was taking my pills at night. Maybe I should have taken them in the morning. Is it weird to go to the bathroom right now and stick a tampon up my hoo-ha and hope it doesn't come out completely clean? Would that count as a spot? Am I losing my mind?

I think so.

*  *  * 

added later: still no spots. nurse says come tomorrow anyway. the doctor will review my u/s and go from there. I have shoved no less than two tampons up and yanked them right out to inspect. mind gone. 

The Superficial Infertile

Today is 9.11.11.

To me, this is the day I take my last bcp for IVF #2.

You can call me un-American. You can call me selfish. You can even call me superficial.

What I am is a woman who has spent over 20% of her life in the last ten years focused on nothing more intensely than on her attempts to create a family. I am a woman who has fought with every ounce of emotional strength over the past three months to pull herself out of the depression brought on by a failed IVF, in order to prepare in the best way possible for the next cycle. I am a woman who is starting to feel like she's actually winning the battle against the darkness with a renewed creative energy and a positive outlook that is not giving in to her husband's ongoing struggle with depression.

I am a woman who has fought way too hard to get to where she is—feeling creative, peaceful, calm, inspired—to allow herself to go back to that dark, dark place that was the month of September ten years ago.

I just won't do it.

I need to be selfish. I need to put myself first. I need to be a superficial infertile.

And so, I am going to tell you about my next home improvement project.

Next weekend, I'm planning to paint our master bedroom. I just have to pick a color. Thoughts?

Pardon the half made bed. Wouldn't want to disturb the kitties! You can see that our quilt has just about any color you can imagine. I'm going for something from purple to berry. I was really trying to do something spicier colored for Hubby, but after we painted the living room teal instead of purple, I'm craving a purple bedroom. I need to have at least one purple room, right? But please, let me know what you all think...

Primary Care and Coffee Tables

I had a regular old doctor's appointment on Thursday. What a concept. I needed a follow-up to talk about my subclinical hypothyroidism to adjust meds if necessary, and get a refill on my Le.voxyl. My appointment was for 2:45 in the afternoon.

Note to self: Never accept an afternoon appointment at this office. Ever. Again.

After I finished checking in, the guy at the desk informed me that Dr. G was running about 45 minutes behind schedule. OK. I can probably swing that. I had intended to get back to work for the end of the day, and to say good-bye to a good friend of mine, whose last day was Thursday. After an hour, I was told there was one more person before me, and it wold be about another 15 minutes. After an hour and forty-five minutes, I finally made it into the exam room.

Are you kidding me?

So, the nurse is going over my records, checking vitals, etc., and she sees the ginormous list of prescriptions I have for the IVF. I tell her that I am about to start IVF. She asks me if I need a refill on the bcps in addition to the le.voxyl. Oh dear.

Then, she proceeds to tell me, with a really big smile...."You know what? As soon as you stop trying, it will happen. It happens all the time. People just try too hard."

Good god, can I go home now? Seriously? You are a freaking nurse! You should know better than that!

I smile and nod, and manage to say briefly that I thought that at the point I'm at with IVF, I personally am not really trying at all. It's all about the doctors and the science. And I really believe that. I don't have to have sex to make my baby. I hardly think I'm trying too hard.

I mean really. We've all come up against this. Is it supposed to make us feel better that when people finally come to terms with the fact that they they will be childless, or at least biologically childless, they are so often rewarded by the gift of an actual baby?

Come on people!

In any case, Dr. G was not happy with my TSH of .5 as tested in July, down from 1.4 in April. She wants me between 1 and 3. Dr. A however, seemed fine with the .5. Although a call to her nurse says that's the absolute lowest. It turns out, Thursday's test was at 2.5. I haven't been that high since last summer, before my dose landed at 75. I guess I'm still in the right range, which is good. But I have to wonder a bit about the ups and downs. I haven't had a chance to ask the nurse, but I know some of you out there deal with thyroid issues. Has anyone fluctuated this much? From what I read, levels can also vary throughout the day, and be influenced by fiber in the diet, etc. The 1.4 was a morning, and the 2.5 wasn't drawn until 4:50!

That's right people. I didn't leave the doctor's office until after 5, and never made it back to work to say good-bye to my friend. I was extremely annoyed!

Ok, but enough about that. It's the weekend, and it's the perfect time for creativity. I plan on putting the finishing coats of polyacryllic on my coffee table this weekend. By next weekend, we should get it in the house!

Now I can't remember, have I told you about it? It belonged to my grandparents. It used to be a dining table that Grampa cut down. It was kept in the bet condition, which is one reason I'm painting it. But I also love the way an antique shape looks when it's done in s bright, solid color. I think it modernizes it. The table has been sitting in my mom's basement for about 8 years, just waiting for me to finally use it.

Here's a few in progress shots so you can see how it's progressing.

The table top after a lot of sanding. I'm attempting to fill in the crack between to the two halves. When it was a dining table, it had a leaf, so it was supposed to come a part. But, we don't want a crack that will collect gunk. 

The table base is up on the saw horse. The bottom of the table top is primed and ready for paint. 

One coat of paint on the base. 

Two coats of paint on the top.  

Claw foot detail.  

Pedestal detail. 

All in all, I'm really happy with the way it's coming out. There are a few areas which maybe I could have sanded better, but I was nervous about affecting the shape, and I think some of the roughness adds character. I am loving the color, and can't wait to see how it looks on my purple rug!

OK, time to go buy the poly!

I'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining.

Hubby and I are back from our late Labor Day P-town getaway. For those of you who are not from New England, that's short for Provincetown, MA, at the very end of Cape Cod. And our hotel, the Provincetown Inn, is literally at the end of the very last road on the Cape. Pretty cool!

As you can see behind me, there is a lovely little beach, and a pool, complete with a bar serving frozen drinks. Unfortunately, our little getaway was not the fun-in-the-sun filled escape we had hoped for. And it was a little difficult not to be completely bummed out that we have a history of bad weather vacations, starting with a miserably rainy trip to Maine that was our first weekend away together over five years ago, and including a trip St. Petersburg, FL during historically low temperatures a year and a half ago in March. (I do have to remind Hubby that this spring, in London, we did in fact experience unseasonably warm and sunny days...too bad we weren't prepared for the beach then!)

In any case, I wasn't going to let a little rain get in the way of the escape I so desperately needed. Monday was a beautiful day. We got to the hotel a little after 3:00 in the afternoon, and I was able to get in a bit of a swim (it was already starting to get a bit cold), a few margaritas, and a few chapters of my book accompanied by the smell of the ocean air. So, I did get to do all of the things I wanted to do, just not quite to the extent I had hoped. And I got three days with Hubby all to myself. I just wish he could have been in a slightly better mood. Unfortunately, he's so busy at work that he had to go in on the weekend in order to take our trip this week. And he's much more of a glass half-empty kind of guy. He was having a much harder time finding the adventure in the rain than I. 

But, like I said, I did get to do some of the beachy things I wanted to do. In addition, we went to a drag show (again, for non-New Englanders, P-town is a very prominent gay and lesbian destination... definitely saw more than a few kids with two dads or two moms!), had some great meals, including a lobstah roll (said with the Boston accent), did a lot of shopping, bought a sunbrella pillow for our hammock, and come great ceramic wall vases for our dining room (which I will share more when I get a photo), finished my book (even if I read most of it lying in the bed with the ocean out the window instead of with my toes in the sand...I haven't read for endless hours in forever), went for a walk on the beach with my feet in the ocean in the pouring rain (makes the water feel warmer), played cards with Hubby, looked for dressers for our room, and gathered up lots of beautiful images, inspiration and creative ideas to work on. 

I'm trying to internalize the words to a song that just happened to come on Hubby's iPod as we were heading out of town... because I really did get what I needed, even if not in the way I had envisioned...

"Raindrops keep falling on my head, but that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red. Crying's not for me. 'Cause, I'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining...."

It's much better to dance in the rain than have red eyes, wouldn't you say?

And now, I though, as part of the Creativity Challenge, I'd share some of the interesting things that caught my eye. 

I like the colors and the patterns of the cut outs on these vases.  

Whimsical fish made from license plates.
When you see the table I painted, you will see why this wall caught my eye. 

This was a great railing around an outdoor dining area. 

We shall never know all the good a simple smile can do.
I wish I could express to Hubby how much good his smiles do for me. I don't see enough of them lately.  

This quote caught my eye, knowing of the friendship issues that many of of suffer.
Especially thinking of you, Miss C!

Another group of great phrases, and great colors.

This is the way I looked when I got back from my walk on the beach. In the first photo, you can see that Hubby rigged up our beach umbrella to try to make a place on our deck where we could sit even in the rain. Unfortunately, the rain chose that time to really pick up, and it was just too much to deal with. But, he did a great job, as always. 

Here we are, trying to make the best of a break in the rain. 

Now that's more like it. Hubby, I want to see more of this! xoxo

Dressers

One of the missions I have is to add more dresser storage to our bedroom. I have a dresser now that I've had since I was a kid, and I'm kind if over it. It's well made, if a little scratched, so I fully intend to paint it and use it in the guest room, or some other room (wink wink) someday.

So, we looked around yesterday at some antiques and used furniture that I might be able to paint for our room that might match the look and feel I'm going for a little better. These two pieces were promising, but happened to smell incredibly of moth balls! Yuck!

I'm beginning to think that in order to get the storage I want, I may need two matching chests of drawers side by side. I think I'm going to investigate unfinished furniture that I can paint and add trim to to make it interesting.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

The Creativity IVF Distraction Challenge

After I posted my good dose of design the other day, Chon at My Path to Insanity and Beyond came up with a great idea. She's calling it...

The Creativity IVF Distraction Challenge

We're both cycling over the next two months, and thought it would be a great distraction to focus on posting about DIY projects, or at least collecting inspiring images for things we might want to try in the future. Stop on over to her blog for more details.

I'm in a bit of a rush this morning, as we are trying to get out the door for our late Labor Day weekend getaway to the cape...sure to be filled with inspiration. And a perfect challenge for my trip since Hubby and I decided to make this an IF free getaway.

Let us know if you want to join in the fun. I'm thinking of creating a side bar for those who want to participate. (when I get back!)

And of course, I plan to share some pictures of the coffee table I've been painting when I get back as well.

OK, now go be inspired!

A Good Dose of Design

I've been pretty slow at work this week...an admittedly, haven't sought out new work from others. I've been enjoying my downtime. I'm taking a long Labor Day weekend, so I figure, why get into the thick of something, when I'm only going to be interrupting it anyway, right?

This slow time at work has given me a great opportunity to immerse myself in one of my favorite topics...design. Have I mentioned that I have two design degrees? Graphic Design and Interior Design.

Anyway, this week's dose of design has me feeling energized and inspired. Something I haven't felt in quite some time. I thought I would share some of the great things I've been checking out this week.

Young House Love

I write another blog about the house Hubby and I bought a year ago...mostly so our moms and a few friends and family can keep up to date on what we're up to around here. One of my friends recently told me about this blog. All I can say is "love!" And, how do I get that gig? This couple managed to become full-time bloggers, DIY bloggers, where they get paid to write a blog about fixing up their house. Wow! That could be my dream job. I highly recommend checking them out. It's a great resource for any DIYers out there. But, I do need to warn you, they do have a daughter who is maybe around a year and a half old, and does play a large part in the blog. So, if you are having a bad day, I would skip that one.

Ike.a Share Space
If your young (36 is young, right?) and working on your first house, chances are, you've been to IKE.A. I just discovered this website, sponsored by IKE.A, where anyone can upload photos of their own homes that feature IKE.A products. You can also tag the images with the actual products from the store. It's really fun to browse through and get ideas about how others use IKE.A in their homes. We have so much of it by now, and have used it in three homes, that I will definitely be uploading some photos to share. If you need ideas for your house, definitely, check it out.

Design Milk
This is a blog I've been subscribing to for awhile, well before I started this blog. I actually have it emailed to me at work. It's nice to scroll through the daily email with inspiring design images which range the gamut from industrial design to architecture, while I sip my coffee and and wait for my applications to boot up. Lately, my favorite thing to do with the images I love from this blog is to "pin" them on...


Pinterest
Have you guys heard about this site? It's basically a repository of all things inspiring. People pin recipes, fashion, hair cuts, and the full range of design creations. You can repin anything anyone else has pinned, and follow your friends, or anyone else for that matter, so see they ideas they are collecting. I love it for that reason. My best friend spends way more time online than I do, so now I can steel ideas from her without having to do all the research myself. If you'd like to follow me, I might be willing to give up some of my anonymity and tell you how to find me there. Email me.

Zazzle
Lastly, Zazzle is a fun little website where you can get any image printed on just about anything you can imagine. I discovered it years ago when I wanted to do custom postage for my wedding. But seriously, you can print on anything from t-shirts and sneakers to iPad covers and speakers. You can also have your own storefront and sell your own images for people to buy on various objects. Remember that graphic design project I mentioned a few posts back? Well, I've had a zazzle store for quite sometime. But, it uses part of my real name, and I decided it was time for a new name, and a new look - so I can be a little more anonymous there. Of course, it's taking me quite awhile to transfer and create new products, but in a few more weeks, I think I'll be ready to share it with all of you (for fun, to show you what I do, but not because you need to buy anything!)

What about you? Where do you all like to go for inspiration? 

All right, that's probably a big enough dose of design for now. It's about time for me to head back out to the garage to paint over the coffee table I just primed. I'll share more on that later.

Hope you're all having an inspired Labor Day Weekend (well, if you're in the states that is)