Violetta Margarita the First

One year ago today, I had my first and only BF(ok, maybe not, more like kinda faint and confusing...)P.

It was a Sunday night, I was about 4 days late. I had tested at one day late which was BFN. I thought I should wait until the morning for a better result, but the box of tests had a few, and I was impatient. I went up to the bathroom. And there was that puzzlingly faint, second pink line.

I went right downstairs and showed it to Hubby for his opinion. I wanted to be excited. He was skeptical and started googling. I went to grab the one book I'd purchased on pregnancy to brush up on what I needed to immediately cut out of my diet. I figured I would wait another few days and test again, hopefully to find a darker line. I went to bed feeling optimistic, nervous, and not fully conscious of my emotions. Violetta was just becoming the smallest glimmer of a reality.

As I mentioned in my first post, it was the first cycle where I had been charting my BBT. When I awoke in the morning, my temperature had dropped to pre-ovulation levels. I was confused and worried. I'd barely even absorbed the fact that I was/could be pregnant with Violetta the First. I confirmed that the temperature drop was not a good sign with good old google. And I waited.

The blood came around 4pm while I was a work. I called Hubby to let him know that as quickly as Violetta showed up, she was gone. That night, we were headed with my brother-in-law, J, to visit Hubby's 89 year old grandfather. The guys go every other Monday, and sometimes I tag along. Because of what I was going through, even though I wanted to go home, curl up in a ball and sob, there was no way I was going to be alone. We met at home quickly for a hug, and to drop off one car, and then headed off to pick up J. I cried a bit in the car, but had to compose myself because I did not want to be a basket case in front of J, or grandpa.

So, I put on a brave face, and sat on the hard wooden chair in Grampa's kitchen, despite my cramping gut, aching back, and breaking heart. I even had to sneak off to the living room to make sure to call my five-month pregnant sister-in-law, to wish her a happy birthday. I think I never really managed to properly grieve. I'm not even sure I know yet what the proper amount of grief for a chemical pregnancy, which was so short lived, should be.

What I do know is that I wanted to write the post today, on the anniversary of the day that Violetta the First made her appearance, not tomorrow, the anniversary of the day she left. Month after month I have tried to remain optimistic that her brief existence at least confirms that Hubby and I are capable of conceiving. And that's something.

(Speaking of Grampa, Hubby and J are there right now. My Skype just rang. It was Hubby from Grampa's kitchen, conferencing in me and his mom for a demonstration. They like to keep Grampa up on modern technology. Thankfully my version of Skype is old and does not support video on three-way calls, so they could not all see the tears pouring down my face. I am now about to select an e-card for sis-in-law since she now lives in London and I won't get to call her tomorrow).