Nine

No, I am not talking about a somewhat bizarre musical about an womanizing Italian film director.

I am talking about the number of my eggs that fertilized. That's right. You heard me.

Nine.

Out of twelve retrieved, 10 were mature, and nine fertilized. Can you tell that I am starting to finally feel excited? I am feeling much less pain today as well, although I look 5 months pregnant, and I can't walk very fast. But that's ok, because when you add my last two cycles together, it took us two tries to get the same number of fertilized eggs as we just got this time! I will take it!

All right, busy at work. Need to get back to it, but also needed to take a minute to be super excited!

PIO starts tonight. Wish me luck!

Another Dozen

Something about getting 12 eggs on 1.22.12 seems lucky to me. I'm always looking for patterns in numbers. I'm liking all the one and twos.

So, retrieval went just fine. The IV has been the worst part of it for me in the past. I barely felt this one. It was kind of awesome. I think it hurt less than a blood draw.

And then of course, there is the fact that we got 12 eggs, when I only had 10 follicles measured on Friday. We don't know how many are mature yet, but I will take it! I was preparing myself for less than 10, given my low estrogen number of 700 on Friday.

I asked the nurse her opinion of my estrogen. She agreed that it seemed a little low, but assured me that the follicles looked great, and I was meeting criteria for trigger. The criteria basically consists of E2 of 600, an and at least 4 follicles, at least two measuring 18 or greater. She said that typically, a mature egg produces 100-250 E2, and that my lower number could indicate that some of my follicles were empty. You can see why I was pleasantly surprised to wake up an hear 12!

I remember being barely conscious, and hearing 12, and then asking hubby two or three times later as the fog lifted. Did they really say 12?

One thing that is different for me this time is the amount of pain I am feeling after the fact. I was feeling better with tylenol and an IV pain med before we left the hospital. But the pain started to come back a lot in the car. I took percoset and a nap when got home, and have only made it up the half flight of stairs to the bathroom once so far. I was also visibly bleeding, which didn't happen the first two times. I'm guessing that has something to do with the extra pain. Maybe they had to work extra hard for those last two eggs?

Another interesting tidbit. Transfer will definitely be a 3 day on Wednesday. My clinic does not do 5 days as their research has shown there is no difference in success rates between 3 and 5. Last fall, when we were doing our second cycle, they were actually doing 2 day transfers. The thinking was that if the response was poor, and there were fewer embryos then would have been recommended to put back, maybe it was better to put those back earlier. I asked today if they were still doing 2 days, and apparently, they have determined that this did not help. They are back to 3 days only. I guess it's nice to see that they are constantly looking for ways to improve their process. Although, we were relieved that we were not one of the guinea pigs this past fall.

And, now we watch a lot of football (it's much too stressful, but a good distraction!), and wait for the fert report tomorrow. If we get more than 5 embies, I am going to be beyond thrilled!

Full Waddle

Yes folks, that's right. I'm waddling like a duck, and my fat jeans aren't really happy to be buttoned anymore. Before I went in this morning, I knew we were getting close, based on the bloat, and the ridiculous amounts of vag gold flowing like Niagra Falls from from my lady parts. Like, ridiculous.

We are triggering in T-minus 13 minutes for a Sunday morning retrieval. We have to be there at bright an early at 8:15. I think we might actually get to be first, which I think will be nice.

So, the stats, 10 follicles! A few more than Wednesday. The biggest two are now on the right, 20 and 19. Interestingly enough, but estrogen is only at 700. At first I freaked out, but a quick glance at Dr. Google found an article that said estrogen is not nearly as important an indicator as follicle size, unless there is a danger of OHSS and the levels are too high. I'm choosing to focus on that interpretation.

I had more to say, but I worked myself up into such a tizzy needing to go grocery shopping before a snow storm tomorrow to make sure I have everything I need for my recovery. I need to just veg out for the night.

But, I'll leave you with a funny image. My cryptic notes from Wednesday's monitoring appointment scribbled on a sticky note at work. I hope I remembered to throw it away!

All right, Hubby is mixing my shot. I have to go!

Italian

Thanks for all the lovin' yesterday ladies. I needed it!

Today is sunny, and I am feeling a bit better after heading home to the couch and the TV, and nothing else, last night.We'll see how long it lasts.

Quick update. Today I had a monitoring appointment. I am still waiting of instructions*, but I do know that I won't be triggering tonight. So, retrieval is Saturday at the earliest, although I have a feeling it will be Sunday. (Because of course, my Little Bro will be in town on business and is going to stay with us that night!) Right now, I have 8 follicles. 5 on the left, 3 on the right. It's the exact opposite of where I was this point in IVF 2.0. The largest on either is 16, which I why I'm sure there will be no trigger tonight. I think I have three at 14, and 3 at 10 as well. I'm satisfied with 8 at this point, because I have always ended up with more eggs than the follicles that were counted after 5 days of stims. I'm sure there are a handful more that will catch up in the next day or two.

OK, before I get back to work, Chon is wondering what I will do if Violetta really decides she would rather be a boy. Well, the front runner name right now is Luigi Limoncello. I hadn't thought about continuing the V theme, but maybe Vincenzo Martini might do? Or Vinnie? Thoughts?

Oh, and if Violetta decides that she would like to have a sister, well then, she'll be Lucia Sangria of course.




PS - Now you all think I am way more Italian than I actually am. I'm 1/4. Papa was born there. Arazio. But I've got a heck of a lot of English, Irish and German in there as well. Though, if I were to hyphenate, my name would sound like something out of a bad feminist mobster movie. Hubby's 1/2. I'm kinda jealous.

*Updated later. Just heard from the nurse. She quoted me 7 follicles, unlike the u/s tech who said 8. They are upping my dose of gonal f to 225 twice a day instead of just night, which feels good, since in two days, my E2 went from 232 to only 310. I think it should have at least doubled in two days. It's time to kick the girls into gear!

The other weird thing I've got going on that I think I haven't mentioned yet is pretty constant (every time I wipe) dark brown spotting since my period ended a week ago. Good times. And now it's starting to mix with cm which is becoming more eggwhitey as E2 goes up, making for all sorts of interesting things on the toilet paper. In any case, I left the question for the nurse this morning, since I have not experienced this kind of thing before. She said not to worry, but to keep them updated. It's likely just because I was on Lupron for an extended period of time. The good news is that at baseline, my lining was nice and thin, and is thickening up nicely (to quote the nurse with the over use of the work nice) so the spotting is not affecting that. Whew!

Fear.

Today there is fear.

I can't really tell you why more today than any other day in particular. My E2 level yesterday was 232, which seems like a perfectly reasonable place to be after 5 day s of stims. Dr. Stats did not change my meds dose, which must mean that she thinks I'm in a good place. I go back tomorrow morning for more b/w and a u/s this time,

Yeah, so aside from getting sick, having baseline delayed due to late arrival of AF, and then construction in the lab, and now Hubby being sick, and me freaking out that a cold is going to kill all his swimmers (we're doing ICSI, we should be fine, right?!), everything has been moving right along just fine.

But there is fear.

I think it's been sneaking up on me for quite a while.

I am afraid because this is my third cycle, and I am 2.5 months away from turning 37. If this cycle doesn't work, I am slip sliding my way toward falling of a cliff on the success rates chart. I am terrified that this cycle won't work. Simply terrified.

I am devastated that I am going to have two new nieces/nephews this summer, and I have been lapped by my younger brother, and I still see no end in sight to this journey. I want so much to be excited. Instead, there is sadness, jealousy and fear that Lady C and her sibling will never have any cousins to play with.

I am weary from nine months of IVF, and exhausted thinking of another year of this, this all consuming torture. I am one of the lucky ones who has insurance coverage of up to 6 cycles, with no reason yet to think that I won't be approved for three more. How could I not move forward and use the least expensive option presented to me to expand my family, especially when it offers me the chance to pass on our biology? But if it doesn't work this time, how can I waste any more time from moving on to something that will guarantee me a child, even if it takes an indefinite amount of time. I am not getting any younger. The thought of going through three more rounds of IVF, and being nearly 38 before evening beginning to look into adoption, and then possibly not meeting that child until I am almost 40 literally takes my breath away.

I am worried that I didn't push hard enough with my doctor and our second opinion to investigate reasons beyond egg and sperm that this hadn't yet work, and that there is something undiagnosed which will make this a wasted effort.

The dark evil of fear has wrapped it's arms around my chest and squeezed with all of it's might until the only breaths I can take are rapid and shallow. My cells twitch. My eyes dart. My mind wanders. I am pretty much useless.

And the thing that scares me the most...I can't see it. I can't see Violetta. Try as I might, I cannot, in my mind's eye, see my baby. I cannot visualize holding her, nursing her, tucking her in at night. I try to imagine her growing withing me, making my belly swell. I try to imagine giving birth and feeling her on my chest for the first time. I try so hard.

But all I can see is blackness.

And fear.

Lazy Sunday

Not too much to say tonight. Hubby and I have had a fairly relaxing, yet productive weekend. He's now got the cold that I am still trying to get rid of so we've been mostly hunkered down. We did get some stuff done around the house...laundry, filing, and finally packing away the last of the Christmas stuff. I also managed to make a cassoulet inspired stew-like concoction in the slow cooker today. I improvised, and it was good! And we had a lovely fire this evening as well. So yeah, a very full, yet lazy weekend.

Oh! And we booked our tropical beach vacation. After much deliberation, too many trip advisor reviews, and going around in circles for a few days, and a hormone induced emotional breakdown, we have chosen a resort 30 minutes outside of San Juan, Puerto Rico. Aruba was just turning out to be way more money than we wanted to spend right now. I'm trying to relax and be excited, and ignore some of the less than favorable reviews at the place we chose, and focus on the fact that most people really like the place. All that matters really is that we get a few days in the sun on the beach, right? And this place has a huge stretch of beach. I may have mentioned that we've had some bad luck with vacations in the past, so I'm just too paranoid. It's going to be fine! We're going to the beach in a few weeks! Yippee! And we're not spending 150% of our budget to do it.

The other thing that dominated the weekend was football. We Hubby watched all four games. It is exciting that the Pats have one more game to go to make it to the Super Bowl. I don't care too much about football, but I do enjoy a good party, so I'll take a few more weeks of this if we can get it.

If only this was actually a long weekend for me. But no, my office is open, and I get to get up early and head in for blood work bright and early to see how we're doing after 5 days of stims! You know I'll keep you posted.

Lastly, my good friend Chon over at My Path to Insanity & Beyond has a great post today about how to survive an IVF two week wait. For anyone who doesn't know her, she got her BFP this fall after 3 fresh cycles, and more, so she's been through more than her fair share of waits and definitely has some great advice to offer. Since I've been getting to know some new bloggers who I know are going through IVF for the first time, (or second or third...), I thought the was a great post to share. I wrote a long comment with some of my thoughts, so I won't bother putting them here right now.

Dilution, Dehydration and Delurking

First of all, it's International Delurking Week through this Sunday, the 15th. So please, I have 75 followers, and only a dozen or so faithful commenters. I'd love for all of you to take a moment to say hi and to tell me a little something about yourself. I'll ask you my favorite ice breaker question to help get you started.

If you were a candy, what candy would you be?

My answer: A Sweet Tart!

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OK, on to my second topic. Dilution. 

Liz asked after my last post, why is my dose of Lupron so high. I thought I would explain it, since in addition to my being my sanity, I hope this blog will help other who follow behind me in this journey. 

I've been taking 40 units of diluted Lupron since Christmas, and now that I've started stims as of last night, I'll be taking 20 units until trigger. In a typical Long Lupron Protocol like my first IVF, the dose is 10 units, down to 5. The difference here, is that the amount of Lurpon I'm actually getting is super small compared to the long protocol. Say it's like 1 unit, or smaller. Now, any of you who are familiar with Lupron could imagine just how impossible it would be to actually fill a syringe with 1 unit or less. Yeah, pretty much not possible. It would be like a drop. So, what happens is, that drop is added to some other liquid diluant in order to make it easier to actually measure out an amount you can put in a syringe with some accuracy. That's why it seems like my dose is so big. But trust me, I would be out. of. my. mind. if I have been on full strength Lupron for 18 days. 

Now, the next question might be, why such a small amount of Lupron. Well, basically, the theory is that in my first cycle, I was too suppressed. At baseline, my E2 was > 10. I was on 150 of Gonal F and 75 of Menopur, and they ended up having to increase the dose a few times. My E2 after 5 days of stims was only 189. From what I've gathered, this was on the low side, and it is better for the eggs to grow at a solid steady rate, as opposed to start off slow and then be faced with higher and higher levels of stims to get the desired result. 

My second cycle was different entirely, making use of the antagonist protocol, with Gonal F only, 150 twice a day. The theory is that I got better quality eggs with Gonal F only as evidenced by a much higher fertilization rate (though ICSI was involved the second time, so it's hard to say for sure). But, I stimmed so fast (7 days!), we weren't able to get as many eggs. This is in part due to bcps as a suppression not leveling the playing field of the follicles as well as Lupron in some cases, so the eggs don't all start off at the same size. They had to trigger me or risk the largest follicle ovulating on it's own. 

So, this time, in addition to the change in suppression, we're sticking with Gonal F since it seems my body likes that best, but we've reduced the amount to 225, at night only, so hopefully I will stim over a longer period at a slow and steady pace and get a nice batch of high quality eggs when all is said and done.

The theory already seems to be working as my E2 at baseline this week was 13, so I was actually on the chart and hopefully not over suppressed!

*   *    *

And lastly, a little story for you about dehydration. Last night, I went into the bathroom to fill our humidifier from the tub. I yanked back the shower curtain and almost peed myself with I say little Roy, one of our furbabies, cowering on the floor of the tub. This is not normal behavior. It startled me half to death. 

He ran off, and as I left the bathroom, the other furry, Ziggy made his way into the bathtub. I exclaimed all this to Hubby, who said something about them being interested in the water I had just splashed. But again, not normal behavior. Then Hubby noted that he'd seen Ziggy licking the condensation off the window earlier that evening. And I remembered that Ziggy had been up on the kitchen sink the night before, which is more weird behavior. I went back down to the bathroom to find both boys sitting in the tub, looking up at my like I was a crazy person. 

And then we realized that their water must be empty! We have one of those big ones that looks like a mini water cooler. I ran down stairs, and sure enough, dry as a bone. I filled it, and an extra bowl, and within seconds, both boys were in the kitchen, pressed to the floor, lapping up the water like crazy. 

It made me cry. 

I felt so horrible that they were so thirsty, yet not complaining to us at all. I have no idea how long they were out water, as Hubby takes care of these things. And it made me realize just how out of it Hubby really is right now. He had a good session with his shrink just last night, who wants him back off meds. He sees the prescribing psychiatrist next week, which is good. He's definitely not been himself. When I came back up to tell him about the boys, I told him that I hope the fact that he dehydrated his poor little kitties will help him to take action and snap out of the funk he's been in. I know it's not easy, as it's a chemical thing with him, but he does better with exercise, so we just need to get him back up and running some how. We'll figure it out eventually. We always do.