Miscellaneous Rambles

I've had so many starts of posts floating around in my head, but can't seem to find the time/energy/motivation to get them out. So, I'm going to brain dump a bit in the form of bullet points. I'm waiting for my server at work to come online, so it seems like a perfectly legit time to thought vomit, right?

• We've started our child birth class. Tonight is the third meeting of 5. We're taking the "prepared childbirth" version as opposed to "natural childbirth." Which means we are all there to learn about epidurals. Which she hasn't spoken about yet. Which became comical at the end of last class when everyone started asking about them. But at the first class, she asked us all to go around an introduce ourselves and mention something we would like to get out of our birth experience, aside from healthy baby, healthy mom. My mind went blank. That entire first class was so surreal I wasn't coping well. I looked at all the labor/birthing positions, largely with women squatting or kneeling, and thought about my bad knees and how hard it is for me to get up and down of the floor. And I felt very overwhelmed. This is when I realized that...
• I need to think about Gestational Diabetes at 13 unique times throughout the day. It's overwhelming. And as much as I have struggled with living in the moment instead of worrying about the future, these 13 moments a day are not the moments I need to live in. But I am. And it's interfering with my ability to visualize what labor/delivery and the first few weeks with baby will be like. It's completely stifling. In case you are curious, those moments are: 
1. test fasting sugar. 
2. test morning urine for ketones. 
3. take insulin. 
4. eat breakfast. 
5. test post breakfast sugar. 
6. eat mid-morning snack
7. eat lunch
8. test post-lunch sugar
9. eat afternoon snack
10. eat dinner
11. test post dinner sugar
12. eat bedtime snack
13. take insulin
14. and actually, I'm now supposed to drink a glass of milk in the middle of the night when I get up to pee to ward off my low levels of ketones (which are still debatable as to how worrisome they are) which I haven't been because who wants to wake up enough to go all the way down the stairs and actually drink something when you have to pee every hour as it is?!
• After the realization of how all consuming the GD has been, I was able to step back and realize that what I want out of my birth experience is intimacy. There were at least 5 extra people in the room when I became PUPO. I know that giving birth in the hospital requires the presence of medical professionals. But I can try to keep the labor more intimate by staying home as long as possible before going to the hospital. And, by requesting that our family does not show up at the hospital until after Luigi has actually entered the world. This is not an issue with my family. My mom lives 3 hours away, and will need time to travel out our way. She might even need a day or two to organize her teaching responsibilities for a substitute. She is fine with meeting her grandson when he is a few days old. My MIL on the other hand, the grandmother of a dead baby (is it awful that I'm really tired of being reminded of that), well, from what I gather, was a bit devastated that I didn't want her there...before the birth! I'm sorry, I don't need her sitting by my side while I'm in labor. I don't plan on being a hostess in that state. But I never said she couldn't come to the hospital after he's here to meet him. 
• This comment opened a whole can of worms about how she wants to help after the baby is here, how much help I believe she is capable of giving, and how we three as a family ultimately need time to bond before hubby goes back to work after taking two weeks off. She did not breastfeed. No one did in the late 60s. So, granted, her perception of what the first few weeks of an infant's life might be like are obviously going to be different than mine. I would love to have family come over to cook, clean, do laundry and hold the baby briefly while I grab a quick shower between feedings, and then to mostly leave us alone so we can bond as a family of three. She would like to come over to hold the baby all day so that I can go out and run errands. Somehow, I have a feeling that the errand running isn't going to happen for a few months. And unfortunately, due to her bad knees, she's not really capable, and I would feel badly asking, for her to take on chores. But lets not forget the fact that many babies, while they love to be held, prefer to be in some kind of motion while being held. Sitting on the couch holding the baby just isn't going to cut it. I think Hubby expressed some of these opposing expectations to her to prepare her for the experience I'm envisioning being different than her expectations. Which prompted a very bizarre choice
• She scheduled her first knee replacement surgery for 4 days before my due date. This struck me as a very odd decision for someone who is beyond excited to meet her "first" grandson. I had to make it clear to hubby that when I get home from the hospital, I don't plan on leaving the house for at least two weeks. Who knows? Could be more. And that Luigi is certainly not going to a different hospital to visit his grandmother. So, if that's when she wants her surgery, she needed to be aware that it might significantly delay their meeting. I was also a bit pissed off that my poor Hubby would have to worry about his mom's surgery at the same time that he should be solely focused on his son. Something about that just doesn't seem fair to him. And it felt a little bit like some weird payback for me not wanting her at the hospital during my labor. But I don't even want my own mother there while I'm in labor! To be fair, she has been getting pressure from a lot of people to get this taken care of as soon as possible, which I am on board with. I just want it clear that I'm not schlepping my newborn all over creation into hospitals that are not necessary for him to visit within the first few weeks of his life. I should also mention that she was missing a valuable piece of information, since we have not told her about my GD (for fear of her entire family becoming overly involved) which is that...
• My "baby is HUGE," which is what the MFM entered the room exclaiming after last week's bio physical profile. At 33w2d h measured 6 lbs. All the info I have said in the 4s is where he should be. So, awesome. My extra sugar is effecting him. Makes me feel like an awesome mama. At a half a pound a week gain until the end, he's heading toward 9.5 lbs. Ultimately, this means that they will likely recommend induction at 39 weeks. Of course, 39 weeks hits officially the Saturday of Columbus Day weekend, so I'm curious to see how that might affect their recommendations. (Have I mentioned that in one of life's great ironies, I'm convinced he will be born on 10/8, actual Columbus Day, and my estranged father's birthday?) Will they try to make it happen earlier, or let him go longer toward 40 weeks, and risk getting more sugar so they aren't dealing with my induction over a long holiday weekend. I guess time will tell. What I have to keep reminding myself of is the fact that at 5 days early, I myself was 8lbs 8oz. My brother, while a week and a half late, was 9lbs 9oz, and his son, born perfectly on time, was 8lbs 14oz. Big babies run in my family. I have always expected to have a baby close to 9lbs, irregardless of the effects of GD. So I have to try not to freak out too much. 
• But I'm afraid of induction. I plan on an epidural anyway, so that helps with the fact that induced labors are often more difficult, but an induction will largely happen in the hospital, and will interfere with the intimate pre-hospital home experience between me and Hubby. And way too many of them end in C-sections. And I really don't want a C-section. I don't want to deal with the recovery from that. I don't want to miss out on initial hospital bonding with my son because I am being sewn back up. I just want to feel like a normal, practical, epidural seeking new mom! Is that too much to ask after all that I've been through to get to this point?
• MIL ultimately decided to delay her surgery for two weeks after Hubby told her that due to my family history, the baby won't be late, but more likely early. This way, she'll get a week or two to visit a few times before she's out of commission. And we'll time after the initial week home to get into a groove before we have to be obligated to other family. I'm hoping to have my own mom come to help out just before and after Hubby goes back to work, after two weeks. Of course, I want her to come out for a few days right away too if she can. She's very agreeable to whatever we need, although she did remind me that if I end up with a C-section, I'll probably want her there immediately. 
• I'm afraid that breastfeeding won't work. I'm convinced I have flat nipples and Luigi won't be able to make them work. I'm taking a class tomorrow night, so hopefully I will learn so good tips on how to cope. 
• I feel like a bad mother because I haven't really read any books about birth, breastfeeding or newborn care. (I still have a few weeks...any must-read suggestions are most welcome...) And because I completely dropped the ball on the search for daycare because I got too overwhelmed by the GD tedium. And because I haven't made Luigi's blanket yet. Even though I rebuilt a rocking chair essentially from scratch and created a kick-ass nursery. I'm still harping on the blanket. I'm still determined to at least get the fabric laid out before he gets here. It's going to be a patchwork flannel quilt. It will take awhile to plan out the pattern from all the fabric scraps I've been saving for years. 
• Despite the myriad of thoughts, and great need to vent that has been floating around in my head for a few weeks, Hubby and I had an awesome Labor Day weekend. It was a good mix of productivity, relaxing, couple time, and friends and family time. It felt good to finally slow down a bit instead of feeling like we're on a marathon sprint to prepare for Luigi's arrival. I want to enjoy these last few weeks as much as I can. 
• I think this is long enough for a miscellaneous ramble. Thank you for reading.